A part of me doesn't want to leave diaryland. My very first ever entry was at scribble.nu. The account got deleted because they had too many members and they need more money to manage it, so if you couldn't pay the money, your account was deleted. My first ever entry on diaryland was actually in January 2002. Originally, it was supposed to be a secreat diary, but since I only wrote one entry and I need a new place, I decided to continue diaryland. I deleted the only entry I had then, because that entry was nonsense, and so I began to write. As my first ever entry, dated March 15, 2002.
Back then I was kind of rebellious. I disliked my mom and constantly hung out with Nancy. I was spoiled and I never cared about my family. I think now when I look back, part of the reason was that I just got over my depression with Jeff and I had hardly left any room to actually reminisce about all the times I had with him. I was just too happy to get out of a relationship that wasn't working out. I guess the last few months I was with him, I already fell out of love with him to be depressed after I left the relationship completely.
Then I met Chris. Looking back, if I wasn't me, then I don't think I would've gotten with Chris... What do I mean by this? I was a eager little girl, willing to look anywhere to love and be loved. I'm truely a romantic at heart, and I dream of a guy that I can call my own. Chris just happened to be the only one that might love me then, or as I saw it. I don't regreat what has happened, maybe perhaps just the stuff between my mom and I, but other than that...
It was horrible, and I felt so bad. The things I've said to her... If I could take anything back, it would be those fights I've had with her in the past. I've tried writing a story about this, but it was too hard. I'd read what I'd write and just want to break down crying, because it was exactly as I felt then, and I regreat it so much and the fact that I brought her so much pain and stress is just too much for me. I try not to think about it now. Ever since I've passed my rebillious year, I've been a lot closer with my family.
I guess, ever since I've stopped being close to Nancy, I've been a lot happier at home. In my heart, there's sadness there, but in my head, I only feel what's right.
Diaryland has been everything to me. Maybe if I haven't been writing so much entries or so many deep thoughts, it would be a lot easier to leave. But I've put everything into this diary.
It's not just that, but I know some of my content is that good. Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but there are a few entries in my diary, where I just read and think, "wow. I can't believe I wrote that." Because even know, I can remember and can relate to what happened. I'm scared that when I leave diaryland, all my entries will be deleted. To be honest, I still don't want to leave diaryland. It's all I've known. I'm scared to leave diaryland.
But I so want to get hosted by Som. Does anyone have any solutions to this problem? I would move my POTC Clique... but I love Webby. I'm really glad she's hosting me. I just have no idea what to do now... I don't want to leave diaryland. It's my life practically. Someone want to tell me what to do? 'Cause I'm not ready to leave annachan or diaryland yet.
By the way, I don't think you'll see me update as much now. I have nothing to write about, and I have too much scattered thoughts in my head. I just need some time to figure things out. This headache and stomach ache is not helping and all I really want to do right now is evade.
If anyone has any suggestions, comments, advice, anything at all, PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE to tell me so. I'm really at a lost for what to do. I want to get hosted, but I don't know what to make it on. Sign the guestbook, or notes, im me or email me, I don't care. Just do it!