Ever since I came back from China/Japan, I have been really lacking interest in diaryland. I'm not sure if it's because of the homework or because of my other sites or because I have so much mail I need to send out, or the fact that my room still isn't clean. Or maybe it's just my mood, and the fact that my mom hasn't been that great, but I'm not all the interested in diaryland anymore.

I've started to write in diaries (not online) again after about 1-2 years and for some reason, I really like that a lot better. I like writing down things that other people will never know, it's easier. Perhaps my time of opening up a lot has left me and I can't seem to be so close anymore. I liked online journals because it brought my thoughts up to strangers and I'd hope that a lot of people could relate to what I write.

Lately, I feel like my inspiration is gone, the spark has left me and I feel sort of like I'm slowly dying inside. Ever since I came back, I haven't been very happy or satified with life. There's so many things I want that I either can't have or shouldn't have. I feel really lonely now that Mike is gone and I've hardly talked to Enrique.

Jeff is great but I don't think I can count on him to call me all the time. I don't want him to waste his money like that, and not on me over my petty problems. Every time I think about the past between Jeff and I... it's weird, I'd use to think that I had it worse off, but in a way, I think he's a lot stronger than me. Talking on the phone, I could tell he was a lot happier about himself and probably in one of the best of moods, I'd think. He seemed so nonchalant and carefree, and I really envy that. And I can't help but think why can't I be like that? I used to be like that! Now I'm just so... rigid. I wish I could just relax.

Chris used to tell me to relax too, or that I needed to calm down, even though Chris is a little too carefree (because he doesn't give a rat's ass about anything), he was right though, I did need to calm down, but I never seemed to know how to do it. I'm never relaxed.

Anyway, things around my diary have been very dull too. I feel like I've put everyone else's diaries on diaryland on hold for my own life. I haven't really been able to read my favorite diaries.

I'm not sure what I think about at night anymore, maybe I'm just stressed over homework, I don't know... I'm just so confused.

Anyway, at this point I really don't feel like writing in diaryland anymore. I'm not saying that I'm leaving, we'll see in a couple or weeks. Hopefully, maybe things will get better and I'll have interest in writing here again, otherwise... well, I think I'll just leave diaryland, 'cause frankly to be honest, I don't really care if this diary gets deleted or not. I'm in one of those I-don't-give-a-shit-moods, so I better watch out...