Fear.
That's all there really is. We're both scared. It's not like I don't understand why we're both scared either. We have good reasons to be scared. Heck, I'm not so sure that I'm not as scared as he is or might be. I know that we're both scared of getting hurt. We don't want to get hurt and I know that we don't want to hurt each other. It's all very understandable.
But then there's this other part of me, despite being scared that wants this so badly. Like a drug, like I need it. I don't understand that. Why can't I have what I want more than anything? It's just so unfair. I don't understand why it has to be this way.
I wish that neither of us were scared. I wish that we didn't have to hold back. When I think about it, either way, it seems, I'll be hurt anyway. Why? Because I already love him. It doesn't matter that we're not together. I don't have to be labeled anything to feel how I feel. Even knowing this though, I'm still scared. What is it about fear that keeps us from doing what we want? To have what we really want?
The world is so complex, but in the midst of all this chaos, I'm supposed to believe that everything is organized into a way that everything works out right? I've always believed it, I mean if Mr. High-Almighty up there says it is, I guess I should believe it. If the world was really in chaos, I think that things would be a lot worse. There's order in this world at least, but anyway, I'm getting off topic.
I guess I just wish that fear didn't exist sometimes. I wish that I wouldn't be afraid to love because I might get hurt. I wish I could do whatever I wanted and have whatever I want, whenever I want, but the world doesn't work that way, because if it did, well, then the world really would be in chaos. Funnily enough, the only thing that I've ever wanted so badly, I can't seem to have, so it just kinda makes you wonder if you should want it so much. As if, if I had little significance over this, I might just get what I want.
I know Jeff's not ready. He doesn't need to tell me and I actually hope that for his sake he doesn't read my diary anymore, well, no worries, I'll be locking it soon. I know he's not ready to deal with any of this crap - of my crap. He says he still loves me and he doesn't think he's ever gotten over me, but yet he resists me so much. I know he does this purposly. Why does he do it? Well, probably 'cause he doesn't want to be hurt, but aside from that I don't know. He and I are different. He's scared and he won't admit it to me, and he avoids it. He trys to be honky-dory and nonchalent about it, but I know it affects him, but maybe I shouldn't be saying this, because I'm acting the exact same way. I wonder if he ponders about this kind of stuff as much as I do. I talk to him as if we've never been apart from each other the past 2 years. We talk as if we've been friends since forever. Sometimes it feels so fake, I wanna talk about it, but I don't want to bring it up, and I'm not sure he'd exactly want to listen to me talk about it. We've only mentioned this once, and well... I think it was hard enough for him to admit that he's loved me in that way for all this time. I don't want to pressure him because we deal with things in two totally differnet way. I would talk to him about it, but he's not ready. He's really not.
And I guess the only thing that I can really do is wait, but I do wonder how long I can wait before I crack and lose it. Sometimes talking to him doesn't seem fake, because we make each other laugh. We have fun, but other times, I feel almost as if I'm hiding something from him. It's not like he doesn't know how I feel. He's just not ready to accept it.