I like New York, because I don't want anybody to care about me, but then I think about it and it's like, "who are you kidding, of course you want people to care about you!" For the past while, I have agreed to this comment, but now that I'm back at diaryland, I feel like I don't want anybody to know what I'm thinking anymore. I actually don't want anybody to care, for reals this time. I wish that I didn't have to feel hurt, but there's just no way out of any of this.
I thought that I was moving on, but I'm not, look at where I am, I'm back to where I was 2 years ago, but this time I'm not even happy. Two years ago, I was happy. I didn't have to go through crap with Chris or Nancy, or even the Jeff stuff. Not quite yet anyway. I mean, I think it was a few days ago I was driving to school, and I listen to this radio station that does this "5 years ago today..." and then it plays the top song from 5 years ago, well when it said "2 years ago today", guess what song it was? Hanging by a Moment by Lifehouse. I went back to my diary from a few months ago, and I haven't heard this song on the radio since last year as it seems.
Sometimes I don't know what I think anymore. Should I be waiting? Should I be making something happen? I feel so fake. I guess maybe I'm tired of the same familiar faces. I'm tired of the same foundation. I'm tired of having that carpet slip out from behind me, suprising me and making me get up again! I'm so tired of getting back up. Can't I just go to a room without a carpet?!
See the problem with this whole thing is? I have people. I know people. And that creates all the problems in the first place. There's attachment. There's commitment. You gotta give and get back. What if I don't want to be a part of that? Things would be so much easier. That's why I want to go to NY. No communication, no interaction. But as the quote goes, "No man is an island."
And therefore I am back at square one. I looked over everything last night, and I have to face facts now. Jeff is still very much scared, and he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship. He's not willing to risk it, because he knows how hard it is. And I know how hard it is too, I don't think he'll change his mind, nor do I really want him to. At this point in my life, I don't really know what I want anymore. Everything is just too confusing.
What I want right now is to shut everyone out of my life. Every single person, but I can't do that. A part of me wants to shut everyone out, but another part of me doesn't. I'm still me, but I'm not... I wish this could be simple. I think I have to give Jeff up, permantly. But what's so scary about that is that I feel as if without Jeff, I have nothing to look forward to, I have no meaning in life, as if everything that ever mattered, I have to give up, and perhaps this scares me most of all - the fact that my life just all of a sudden revolved around Jeff.
I don't know anymore... I need to go to New York and be left alone forever.