"Spagetthi O's!"

I've just pretty much realized this in less than 24 hours... and I'm not quite sure how to put this junk in words...

Well, firstly I can begin with like... a beginning. The cool thing about Nancy and I is that we never really hard to work on our friendship, because for some reason, it just sort of came to us... we didn't go looking for it. Everyone's said that everything takes work, including friendships, and that is pretty much true, but... not Nancy and I. I don't know how to explain it. It's just that I felt that I could confide in her about everything, so I've pretty much told her everything. And if there's nothing left to tell, you pretty much know what to do and what not to do. You know that if you do a certain something, you know if it'll upset them or make them happy or if it won't do anything at all. I've always pretty much had one rule about guys, that I refuse to let them get in the way of a friendship, any friendship, no matter how small. I mean, look at me and andrea, I'm not that close to her, but I wouldn't go screwing around saying that I liked her boyfriend or anything like that (and really I don't like her boyfriend anyway).

Maybe it's just me, because lately, I haven't been quite myself. not with anyone really. I'm not even sure if I'm being myself. I've had this whole confusion thing with Chris the whole time... and I think the whole thing is eating me alive, and I mean pretty much literally, and last night made it pretty much worse.

My worst problem is this: the fact that I keep everything to myself, because I hate it when people get to me. one of the most, MOST, good example I can think of right now at the top of my head is with Jason. Honestly, I think Jason is a nice guy, and I know he definately means well, but he honestly has a bad way of showing it. he never says anything good about me to me... there's the bio test where he's gotten something higher than me and he'll just sort of rub it in my face that he got something better than me (for like 2 seconds though) and then there's the most recent comment about how I should've been glad that I made it into bass at all and if it was up to him, he would think that I shouldn't make it. I mean, it's okay the he doesn't compliment me, but all that ever comes out of his mouth is insults! And i'm so tired of that crap. but mostly, I'm annoyed at how it gets to me. He jokes around yeah, but there's a message behind these jokes, but I think the even worse part is, that I don't do anything... because I keep to myself, because I hate that I let others get to me. I just want to feel like that no one has any control over me.

----Dinner break----

6:53pm... okay... what was I saying? Ok... yeah, even though I wish that no one could affect me, I know that's just not how it works. And I think I am tired of pretending that it doesn't piss me off when you insult me. Or the fact that I think something isn't funny when you think it is. Maybe I'm just tired of keeping things inside. All this time, I've pretty much been thinking about how to make other people happy. Sometimes I think that I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. Yeah, it makes me happy to see my friends happy, but it's not fun when I'm not having fun, even if they are.

In all honesty. I am mad. I am so mad right now. I am firstly mad, because I let this get to me. I am secondly mad at Nancy. I've never been mad at Nancy (well, I think except for the Ricky thing, I'm not sure about that) and I don't know how to deal with this. I've never wanted a stupid guy to get in the way but this is just... ARG! It's like... you think about it and the most logical person to get mad at is Chris or Gus... it's just that I can't stand it anymore. I hate Gus. You wanna know the truth... that's the truth. I FUCKIN HATE GUS but you know what's worse? It's that it's just all his fault. See Chris comes up with the ideas, but Gus makes it happen. If Chris were to be hanging around with anyone else, then yeah, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't care, because no one makes it happen except Gus. All these plans... he makes them happen. And I think he's just pushed it too far. This time I'm so mad. And I'm tired of hiding it. So here it is: you did get to me. And I AM SO MAD AT YOU FOR IT. and I am even worse off right now because I feel like I shouldn't put off so much of the anger on Chris... but then again, this whole thing was my fault. I knew where I stood... I messed up. The only person I should be mad at is myself. And I am mad at myself, but I'm also mad at Nancy for not being considerate. Yeah, I know she hesitated. I know she probably though of me. and I know they ganged up on her, but dammit this isn't right. And honestly, I'm sick and tired. This is the last straw. I am tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of the fact that people think I'm all nice and I would never do anything to hurt other people or whatever it is you think. I was considerate, and look where it lead me.

And before you get me into the whole "well, be in Nancy's position" thing... this is what I have to say. In the first place, I wouldn't be in Nancy's position because I wouldn't be where she was in the first place, I would've stayed at home. So in the first place, she can't control herself. It's okay to be all about fun and that junk, but sometimes you need to know where to draw the line. And Nancy doesn't. Nancy is all about "I don't think I'll get caught so I'll go" and I totally understand that. In fact, I probably understand it better than most people because of the fact that I think like her, and I know how she thinks. But yeah, there's a time to draw the line. And I think last night was one of them...

Okay, let's say that I wasn't able to control myself and I went. I would've NEVER, EVER, IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE do what she did. She knew that I MIGHT still had something for Chris. And she still did that to you. You don't do something like that to your friend. Let's just say that for one second that she had a huge crush on this guy, and I did too. And this guy liked me back and he was gonna kiss me. I would've stopped it from happening. You know why? Because I wouldn't betray a friend like that. How could you betry a friend and still say that you're their friend? That's just not right. And therefore I am mad. And I don't care if it was Gus. The truth is, Nancy doesn't know when to stop herself. She doesn't have any self control. So in conclusion, I am mad because she was a bad friend this time.

As for Chris... though I am hurt, technically he didn't do anything wrong at all. I can't blame him and if you think I should blame him, yeah... tell me some reasons, I'll bet you I can contradict it.

And Gus, he is officially on my hate list. People like him is just fucking messed up and they don't deserve any niceness at all. It's not so funny when someone gets hurt. And maybe that was supposed to be my pay back for not going with them in the first place, but you know what, if that's his payback, it's obvious that he's the revengeful type, and to be someone like that, to do something like that, I can't even consider them being as a friend. I just can't... because they'll plot a revenge on me. So I might as well hate him from the start. So here it is. You want to know what's so screwy? NANCY. GUS. CHRIS. Prime suspects right there (not adding myself I mean). So from now on I'm tired of being nice, I'll only be nice if you're nice to me back. At this point, I've had enough and I can't take it anymore... all these people walking right over me. I can't stand it. And if Nancy goes out there and does something screwy again... I don't even want to go there.

I never thought that I'd let a guy get in the way, but then, I didn't think a lot of things. So you know what? It's time to pay. I'm tired of always being the one to get hurt. If they hurt me, I'm going to tell them, if I'm mad at them, I'm going to tell them. I'm going to say it straight out, and if they feel guilty in the process, then good. It's how they should feel. I'm tired of the one always feeling. It's your turn now. You played a sick joke on me. And you thought that I would never figure it out... but I have and I don't like this joke. So it's time to turn the tables. I am mad and I'll show it. And if you have a problem. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK. And if you're really worried, then good, you should be. It's about time.

*Lanie