How can you fall in love with me, just like that. I don't believe in that kind of stuff. Love like that only happens when in a relationship. Maybe I'm a hypocrit, because I think I feel the same way. I wanted it to be simple, but this is just as complicated as can be. I don't understand what I am denying, maybe I'm not denying at all. I just don't want to be hurt, is that such a hard concept? I don't want you to hurt either, is that such a unreasonable answer?
I think I already do love you, and I think I've already fallen in love with you, but I don't think I want to admit it. I know I don't want to admit it.
I don't want to have feelings for anyone. I'm supposed to be alone; complete isolation. All love will do is blind me, and I don't want to be blind. But sometimes it takes too much to stop myself from thinking about how happy I could be, how happy we could make each other be, and I want that, I really do, who wouldn't, right? Eternal happiness, isn't that what we all want? I'm just scared that that happiness is not eternal, and I know that if it's not eternal, there will be pain. There will be horrible, massive, destructive pain and I'm not so sure that I want to take the risk. Maybe if you were here.
The only thing that I don't get about this whole thing myself is why I am not giving us a chance. I was so ready to give Jeff and I a chance, and he lives 2 times as far as he does. Can't I just hope that it will work and give it a shot? This could be a real chance at happiness, and I want it really badly.
I have become my own worst hypocrit. I can't believe myself. I need to go and bang my head on the wall or something.
You know, I wish I didn't have to make any of this so complex. I wish I could just accept that I love him, and just be with him... I do love him you know.