I thought it was going to be different if I talked to people online, more so because I thought that I didn't have to be close to them, so problems wouldn't come up, misunderstandings wouldn't happen... this is why I liked online people, because I hate dealing with people I know in real life.
People never understand me or my actions. They don't get me at all. I'm just too complex or something. That's why I want to be in New York in the first place, so everyone will leave me alone and I wouldn't feel guilty, and I wouldn't make anyone else feel bad. I mean, wouldn't that be great for everyone?
Why am I talking about this? Well, this morning, the computer happened to be turned on, so I had the chance to look at my notes and Stace had written me a note that wasn't really pleasant. I don't really want to get into it, but I didn't have time to write back a note until now, and so I have ended up feeling guilty the whole day, and have felt less than happy. This is what I'm talking about, there isn't supposed to be this emotional attachment. I hate emotional attachments.
This is why I don't want to be near people. People make me break down and I make them break down, and I hate the whole process. I fucking hate it. I hate having to explain myself or my ways. I hate having to defend myself. I hate the fact that nobody can understand me or the way I am. They can't see the thoughts behind my actions and I hate saying them.
I hate people.
Why can't we live like we live in Pleasantville? I don't care if I never see rain, experience sex, see color, and whatever else is in that movie, I just want things pleasant and simple, but I can't have that. I will never be able to escape the way humans are. This is why I am better off alone and you are better off without me.
Just fuck off.