My mom says that it's stupid that I dislike myself sometimes. Maybe I'm stupid. Really, maybe I am. I'm just so sick of everything. I wish I had the courage to commit suicide, because I know if I could, I would kill myself, well actually, I would've been dead a long time ago.
I've started to notice a pattern though... my mom used to come home at about 9pm around my freshman year, and that's around the time we had a lot of fights. Then she quit her job and things were really nice and I liked it, but now my mom's working till 9pm again, and the fights have started. I feel like I'm going through hell all over again.
My dad gave me this analogy about how if a kid was playing near the street, I would give them a tip about how dangerous it was, but honestly, I'm not sure I would do that, because I'm the type of person that minds my own business. He calls this common sense, and I thought, well, maybe I don't have any common sense.
I wish my mom would be home 24/7 again. I'm so sick of everything that's going on in my life. My mom says that I never smile anymore, but this only makes me cry more, because it reminds me of what I would never get back. And she kept saying that people at the age of 16 or 17 should be happy. And this comment made me cry more also.
Ever since Jeff and I broke up over 3 years ago, I haven't stopped crying, it's not because of what happened, but that and the things that followed. I've never been myself. I used to be happy, but I'm not anymore. I wish I could happier or at least pretend, but I hate lying. I'm not sure that I belong anywhere, and this new thing with Stacey and online people in general, it just makes me realize that everyone's the same.
We're all these people, wearing masks, trying to hide that we're the same. But we aren't. Humans are all the same. Everyone's crap, I can't find one decent people in this whole fucking world. I'm so tired of everybody.
Here's what I have tried so far:
Jeff who was great but a part of him will always remind me of who I was and who I turned out to be (crap).
Chris who I liked for no good reason, and it ended with me being treated like crap.
Nancy who pretty much ended up betraying me.
Denysia just reminds me of how I messed things up with her and we'll probably never be that close.
Enrique who I miss so much but has moved.
Mike who went off to San Diego.
And now even the online people are turning on me. I hate people. I hate them all. I can't find any decent people and when I do, they leave me. I'm so sick and tired of this.
I want to kill myself. I really do, I mean, I've had some pretty bad times in my life where I've wanted to, but this is seriously by far the worst I've come.
I don't have family, I don't have friends, I don't even have online people anymore. I've completely lost everything, and I've lost all my hope for everything. Who am I? I am nobody. Who are you? You are nobody.
You don't understand me, so stop thinking you do.