Most of the time, I still am a optimist. Like a few weeks ago, when I took the PSATs and I talked to Miss Ramirez afterwards. The only reason Miss Ramirez was giving directions and stuff for the PSAT was because Mr. Moreau had signed her up. She disliked the fact that she had to be there at around 7AM, but she was gonna be at school at a Saturday anyway. She tells me that she got a class of essays graded, but she's still irked by the fact that she had to be there at 7AM on a Saturday, so I tell her, "well, at least you finished grading some essays." And she says, "I wish I could think of it that way."
It never really occured to me that I'm optimistic. I'm a huge optimist when it comes to other people, like in that example I just gave. I'm also a huge optimist when it comes to little stuff, also like that example. But actually right now I'm a huge pessimist, because I hate life right now. I am trying to look at the bright side, but so far I can't really see any.
It's just been a really crappy day at school. I wasn't able to finish the autobiograpy of Ben Franklin so I looked at the Story Notes online. By the time I was getting to part 3, I was falling asleep and that was the part I hadn't read. We had an exam over it today and I couldn't finish half the test, the only thing that made me feel better was the fact that most of the other people didn't finish it either. We were allowed to use our books, but guest what? I left mine at home.
2nd period for AP US, I really tried studying this time. And really felt like I understood everything, but when I got back the test I got 25/40, but he'll curve it so it'll probably be 25/36, which is a 69%. And most of my other test scores are about that low. I don't understand why I'm just horrible at memorization subjects. I wish I knew some stuff about history, but I'm learning everything at once, because I haven't learned about US history, maybe just parts of it in elementry school, but I don't remember much of anything I learned in elementry school. I am so envious of those people that never study but manage to get such good grades. I don't understand why people can be just naturally smart like that. Why do they get it so easy, whereas I study and still get such crappy scores?
I still have an 87% in chemistry, which is just as well. I really feel like crying now, but I haven't broken yet. I feel so frustrated. I hate not succeeding when I try really hard at something. I got a fucking 75% on my last chem test, so I guess it was my homework and stuff that kept my grade at 87%, which I suppose I should be happy that it didn't lower, but I can't help it. I made all these stupid careless mistakes on the test.
I pray and hope that I at least have a C in AP US. I don't know what to do...
I dislike life... I hate the fact that we're allowed so little time to have fun. We go to school to go to college, then to get a job, then to support a family... when do we ever get a break?!
I'm a total failure at everything... I don't want to have kids. What's the point of bringing someone into life when that person might feel better if they were never alive, like I feel right now.