I'm not sure if you will read this because you said that you would stop from now. But if you are reading this, I would like to know why you wish you hadn't read my diary and why you don't want to continue to read it. What do you mean by "it's closer to home than I first realised."? Perhaps I wasn't clear, but I have let go of my first love and I accept what's happened between us. I never compare him with any other guys - that is not something I do. I have not erased him out of my life. I have talked to him on occasions, but lately we have been busy.
I respect that you don't understand how I feel, in fact I appreciate it. I dislike people who tell me what to do, and I also dislike people who try to give me advice I already know, or even worse, givinging me the advice in the tone that I do not know these things. Basically, I hate obnoxious people that think I am naive and innocent. I like them better when they say they don't understand me because that's usually how it is.
I like my lemonade analogy, because it's simple. It's not long like yours and if you can't tell already, I like things simple.
And lastly, I respect that you won't give me your email. It's just as well. I don't think you are an ass because of this, and even if you were, it wouldn't make a difference to me, because I'm used to it and I've already accept this a long time ago. I don't expect anything from anyone.
As for love, I will love when the person comes, because I know I cannot stop myself from feeling however it is I feel. If I had a say in it, perhaps I would choose not to love, but that is not the case. I probably will love again, just probably not right now, and that's a good thing, as I don't even love myself right now.
Sincerely,
Anna
PS- Thank you. I will try harder in AP US.
Originally from An Optimist:
Dear Anna...Thank you for you reply. You wonder why I feel like I shouldn't be reading this stuff, well... it's a lot more complicated than that. It's also why I don't think I can read your entries again - don't get me wrong, it's powerful reading, but I came across your website purely by chance, starting reading your entries, and now I wish I hadn't since it's closer to home than I first realised. I guess writing these letters is my way of penance. And I wouldn't say that I've a charmed life either, although admittedly I can't really complain. Things could be worse. No, letting go of your first love isn't easy, but it is something that has to be done if you want to move on. That isn't to say that you should completely erase that person out of your life, but if he continues to stay at the back of your mind then he'll affect your future decisions about other people - is this guy funnier than him? Better looking? More obnoxious? It's unlikely to be as unsubtle as that, but you get the idea. And it isn't entirely fair on the other guys too. Despite that, take as much time as you need to let go: weeks, months, maybe even years. But make sure you do. It really pains me to hear that you feel that you're a bitter person. You're actually younger than I am, and to think that you've been through so much pain already is horrible. What can I say? I met my first love when I was older than that, so I can't relate: I'm not even going to pretend I understand how you must have felt then and now. I just hope that you do find that someone who understands you. Your lemon/lemonade analogy does highlight something else too. It's fine to bitch about making the lemonade (hell, I'm sure most people would. Myself included!), but at the end of the day you need to put in the effort if you want the results. Oh great, I sound like my mom. But it's true, though. And anyway, that's why I like the card game metaphor better, as I'd rather play cards than make lemonade! Well, after all's said and done, I still wish you all the best. I'm sorry that I'm turning out to be one of those many asses that you'll encounter, but then that's my own fault for not wanting to share my email or even read your future diaries due to my own selfish reasons. But please, don't never love again. I pray that you have all that you ever dreamed of. And good luck with your AP US.