I've noticed lately that for the past few days, I've actually been happy. This I find rather hard to believe, because last year wasn't happy and after the whole Nancy stuff, I didn't think I'd be happy again, and perhaps I thought that I didn't want to be happy. I don't know, I'm not sure why I think the way I do sometimes, but I think a part of me really wished that I'd be sad forever.

The only reason I can really think of as to why I would think this is that I'd hope that someone would save me. Well, no one really saved me and if anything, I saved myself. This doesn't surprise me, because it's not the first time I hoped for something that I didn't think would happen anyway. Plus, I'm glad, because I don't want someone else to make me happy anyway. I should be happy because I am.

I've noticed that my life is really like a rollercoaster. Everything changes so much because of my emotions and the way I feel. Friday particulary was weird. It was after school and I was talking with 2 other people and Mr. Allen comes along and he smiles at me. It's a weird thing, I tell ya. He smiles like this a lot to everyone, but I'm surprised he smiles at me like this after a whole year. I make it seem as if I had an affair with him, but please, don't gross me out like that! :P

I forget if I talked first or if he did, and I also forget what was said first. But he asks me, "how come you have been so quiet lately?" and I say, "I've been quiet ever since last year." He responds, "I know. Why?" I didn't really say much after that. And I think we hugged, I forget. It just kind of makes me realize how much things have changed and how I've changed and adapted because of it. It's cause my fresman year, I was more spoiled and got more attention in our class, rather than the following year when all the Reyes' came. The Reyes' are really great and friendly people, but because of that, Mr. Allen had found someone new to give his attention to. So, I kind of found myself bitter towards him after that.

I guess it's okay now, and there's never really been any hostility, but things are different, and perhaps that's better because this way I'm not as selfish as I used to be.

I've been happy lately and glad of how I've turned out. I hate the way I used to be, especially when I look back. I can find so much about myself that I disliked that I can't believe that the present me and the past me are same people. It's amazing.

So I'm pretty happy now and that's kind of scary. I just wish I had someone here to celebrate this happiness. I wish Mike was here... I wish I knew his phone number! He's mom moved again in the past 3 months so knowing his old number doesn't really do much for me... *sigh*

I wish I wasn't alone. I get sad when I'm alone and I'm supposed to be happy.