this morning i decided that after the longest time of not taking care of the mice that i should fix up their lil place. first i took Loki out and i played with it a lil. i saw Tom was just lying there at his side, i didn't think much of it, but then when i reached to get it out, i first poked it, to get it to move like i always do, but it didn't move. then, i kinda had a feeling that it was dead. and i was like shit. of course, i never really looked at it, cuz i was too scared, it was just so lifeless. even when i poked it, it felt heavy. anyway, realizing this. i beeped nancy, but then she didn't call me. so i just went along and did my thing. i was wonder what i should do. and the only thing that came to me was that i should bury it. just as i planned when they would die. so i did that. i was thinking about where i could get a small box, but i couldn't find one so i made one out of index cards. then i put Tom inside it and i saw what he looked like. he's hands and he's feet were near his body like he was cold. then i noticed that on one of his feet, the toes were chewed off. there was a lil bit of dried blood on there. i figured that Loki must've done that. then i saw his eyes and it looked freaky. his left eye was barly open but it looked kinda black, i didn't think much of it cuz their eyes always look dark and black when it's barley open, but i saw the right eye and it was opened better and i couldn't see his eyes. all i saw was this blank black dark looking hole. and i was like fuck! Loki ate it's eyes? of course, Tom didn't even look that bad. anyhow, i put it in the box and then i went to my backyard and i buried it.

it made me feel bad though, cuz i felt like i was this horrible person becuz i felt that i could barely take care of myself, and that i shouldn't take care of the mice anyway. and then i thought about how horrible it was for Tom. and partly, i thoght about what a failure i was. i had become so careless and reckless that i didn't bother to care for the mice. that's just not fair. and i am such a horrible person. the worst part is that i realize that Loki might just die becuase of Tom being gone. Nancy even added that mice are communication type animals so he may die becuz of Tom after all. i feel bad... like some kind of lesser being.

i was cleaning my room today, along with my closet for the first time in a very very long time. i haven't cleaned my closest since the school year began, and althought it's not that messy cuz i dont do much within the closest, it's still messy and i cleaned it up. then i cleaned my whole room. while i was doing that, i was putting my picture up in the right place. and i saw my 8th grade paranamic picture. i looked at it and then i was looking for ppl. i looked at myself and i thought i looked my lil stupid self as usual and just looked. Nancy looked bored and Jason looked annoyed, kinda like a face where he's sayin, "damn, it's frikin hot out here and we're out here only to take a goddamn picture?? get this over with already!" which, was the case. i saw Diego, didn't think much of it. saw Kelly and her lil pose that she had, it made me smile. kelly never failed to make me smile, she just had this lil attiutde that i liked about her. she even whined in this lil funny way that made me smile. anyway, then i saw Anthony didnt' think much of it. then i saw chris, for a couple moments, i didn't think it was him and i was wondering if it really was him. he didn't look like him. but then ppl were all far away, maybe that was why. anyway, i looked at him and the way he looked reminded me of someone from some TV show, but i just dont remember what it was. i was trying to figure out who it reminded me of but i just couldn't remember. then i gave up and then i looked at the 6th grade panaramic piture. i saw Crystal Navarro and i she was wearing this top that really showed off her shoulders and arms. and i saw how skinny she was. she looked really young and pretty in this weird i couldn't exaclty say. then i saw chris and my first reaction was "how cute!" but then he's like this lil kid, of course he's cute. then i saw jason and he looked like he was trying to poke his head out to look at something. i saw Anthony again and he still looked the same. he hasn't changed much. anyway, the first thought i had after all of this was, "what happened to everyone?" how much we changed and evolved and developed our own sense of self... i dont think i look that different, but i have changed so much inside than ever. sometimes i think i am just such a stranger to the girl i used to be. kinda stupid, kinda silly and most of all - kinda naive.

*~AnNa