I just wish I knew where to begin. Well, I guess I'll start backwards. I was talking about how much I missed Mike at the very end. And I had realized that despite how much I miss Mike, even if Mike wrote to me or called me, it wouldn't be the same and I couldn't open up to him. Why? Because I can't open up to someone that can't be there for me everyday. I need someone that can call me and I can call them or hear their voice whenever I need to. And I can't have that with Mike anymore because he's too far away. I know that because of this I could never open up to him and that's the same way with Jeff. I could never talk to him whenever I wanted to, and definately not everyday, and therefore I could never open myself up to him either.
Why am I talking about this all of a sudden? Well, in the beginning of this entry, I was talking about Jeff and how we just had a conversation. (God I wish this entry didn't get deleted. FUCKING COMPUTER! I hate explaining again!) I was really glad that he called me, but hanging up with him is always so hard to do. Why? Because it's Jeff. He hardly ever gets the chance to call me. And you know we haven't talked in a really long time, because we go through these periods where we can really talk about anything, and through these other phases where we can't talk about anything at all. It's a bunch of "how are you?"s. I know that when we can talk it's really hard for me to just let him go like that. How can I?
But when we do, he leaves me smiling, but with sadness in my heart. All I want to do is just to talk a little longer, and then, maybe even a little longer than that. Time with him seems to go by really fast. And all we've really talked about is rubbish. We've just basically, what I call, kiddieish flirt.
You know like how kids go "Yes, it does" and "No, it doesn't"? Yeah, it's like that. You can call it arguing and whatnot, but you can't deny that there's also flirting involved. I don't like the fact that he can't admit that I win sometimes, but I'll give that he does win sometimes too, but I could never say that to him straight out because he'll take advantage of that fact. And though I really feel that I have to say "I win" even though sometimes I don't think I do, I just have to it, because I can't stand it when he says he won, when clearly he has not won. And I suppose I sound really stubborn, when quite frankly, I am not, but I guess I'll have to risk sounding stubborn.
It's a great feeling, talking with Jeff and I've noticed that no matter what's been happening, I keep going back to him. No matter what, I can't escape his grasp. Maybe it's because I walk too slow, or he grabs really fast, but everytime we end up back where we were. Perhaps it's a sign. I don't really mind this cycle anymore. I've gotten used to it. I wonder so much if this means what I think it means, but I can't bring myself to think such a thing, much more, speak it. Maybe someday I'll know my answer, but for now, silence is all I have.
But I also know this, I can't open up to him fully. I don't think I ever will be able to open up to someone who lives so far away as he does. And quite frankly, it's not even about being there for one another. It's just being able to open up and I can't. Oh, how I miss Mike. I wouldn't be able to talk about this with him, but I would be able to talk about everything else. I miss the way things used to be.
One thing I know for sure is that I just can't hang up when I talk to him. Even if it means me talking about nothing, making a fool of myself, it seems that I don't really care anymore because I'll do just about anything to make him stay on the phone one second longer. Why do I do this to myself when I know that I'll end up right where I was before? Because it just means that much to me that I'd have that little bit of happiness even if everything is shattered in the end.
I wish I could bring myself to hang up. Why is it so hard? I don't understand. Something like this could do serious damage to me. Imagine it for him. I wonder how he puts up with me. And he tells me that he wants to speak to me a lot too. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Perhaps I'm willing to sacrifice a lot more for what I want, but then again, that's where Jeff and I usually differed. I seem to be willing to sacrifice everything for what I want, and he couldn't always... but it doesn't change anything. Nothing at all. I wish it did... it would make things easier.
I find myself running away sometimes, but when I'm hit with all these feelings of what could be and what I could have and... everything else. How could I run away from something like that? And that's what those phone calls from him is like. I'm never quite sure if I should be glad or not. I want the phone calls, but if I end up getting hurt, I don't want it. It's a lot like love itself. I want it but I want to avoid the pain, but the thing is I can't have one without the other, and because of that I keep running away from something that I want. I wish I wasn't like this, that I could avoid the pain and just face it on face to face, but I can't. I can't forget about the pain and I can't forget about what happened.
I go through stages myself, though very brief, but I go through them. One second, I'm this happy-go-lucky girl where all I can think about is being optimistic about the future and where I'll end up, at least where I hope I'll end up, but there's another of me that takes form usually minutes later that snatches those dreams away and I am forced not to think about what I want because of the pain. I suppose all of this has to do with falling in love at the age of 14, and sometimes I would trade it all, never knowing what love was until I died, but I'm not sure that I would let myself go through something like that.
I am bitter now, but I know a part of me is waiting for him to come and take me away and let me relive what once was and because of that I can't let go of what happened even if I was too young. And though hanging up seems so easy, it's the hardest that I'll ever have to do.