At one point, I found it really hard to express how I felt in specifics about my feelings. Most of the time it was because I didn't want to hurt the other person. The ironic part about that is that all that ever comes out of my mouth is cruelness, sometimes even through my actions. Of course, I never mean any of this seriously, but sometimes I do wonder if I'm somewhat cruel. Maybe I take my jokes a little too far. And then sometimes, I begin to wonder if people take what I say too seriously and get hurt. But of course not always... there is one person which I really dislike and I'm cruel to her through my dry joking manner. Of course, with her none of it is a joke.

Most of the time, I am probably really stoic, especially in paniky situations where I have no idea what to do. I seem like I'm in my own world, not giving a shit about anything, but in reality, it's actually that I have no idea what I'm doing and that I don't know what to do. My mind starts to attack each other and I am so caught up in this that I appear frozen, but my face never really reveals my true emotions, and then, I am made to look as if I don't care, as if I'm apathetic. People never understand that part about me. The truth is, I seem apathetic a lot, but I only am half the time it seems like that. It's true that I have become noncaring, unlike I was before, but this does not mean in any way that I don't have any feelings. I do.

Most of the time, I still find it very hard to express myself, but I think I'm getting better at it. I think I'm halfway through overcoming my fears, but I know there's one big giant fear left that I don't think I'm ever willing to take. The reality of it, however, is that it's a lot like falling off a horse. It's scary to get back up, but you gotta get back on if you ever want to learn. And yes, the reality of it is that I could avoid it and take the easy way out right now, but I wonder sometimes, if in the long run I'll be happy with my decision. What if I look back and all I can see is myself as a failure.

Sometimes at night, while lying in my bed and I have nothing to think about except for trying to fall asleep, all these songs come to my head and they always tell me how I'm feeling through them. I've begun to realize that I've become more accepting of my feelings, rather than rejecting it altogether. I'm not sure if it's because I know this is part of the cycle or what, but I just know I'm okay with this. Sometimes, I even find myself quite happy, and usually I am in a happy mood. But surprisingly, one song came to my mind the past few nights, and that song is called "Stuck On You" by Stacie Orrico. I can relate to so many parts of this song, and perhaps if she didn't sing it in a way where she was so negative about the guy, I could relate to it even better. I suppose if I look at it more closely, I can relate it better to back when I used to avoid my feelings. And I suppose if I were to finally accept it then, this is how I would feel:

I can't get out of bed today
Or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way to leave the love behind
I ain't trippin
I'm just missin you
You know what I'm saying
You know what I mean

Every now and then
When I'm all alone
I've been wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back
But you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothing I can do
I'm such a fool for you

I can't take it
What am I waiting for
My heart's still breakin
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can't stop thinkin of you
It's true, I'm stuck on you