This weekend has been kind of boring if anything. All I really wanted to do was to talk to Jeff, but I haven't gotten to do that, which I think really sucks. I really miss him. I miss him a lot.
Ms. Royer gave me The Parent Trap (the remake version) and I've been watching that this weekend, not that I haven't seen the movie before. Perhaps what keeps me interested is Lindsey Lohan with her British accent in it. She's quite good. I keep trying to mimick her, and as much as I think I'm good at it, I'm probably not. Oh well. It's fun, that's all.
You know there is so much stuff that I need to do... it's weird because I'm sort of missing the bigger picture here, because I'm so caught up in the moment, but it's so hard not to procrastinate for these big things when all you can focus on is these small things that are coming up so much sooner. I wish life didn't have to be like this.
I used to be pretty happy, and I guess I'm still pretty happy, but sometimes I think about it and where is my life really going anyway. There is only really one thing I want, but I can't seem to have that...
While I was putting away all my Christmas stuff under my bed yesterday, I found the stuff I received from last year. I've already forgotten what they've given me. This was only two years ago. I look in that bag and I see all this stuff. I mean, I've never really been into Christmas or birthday cards especially, but I always got a ton of them. Here I am, on my bedroom floor rereading all of it, and I just feel like flooding to tears. Of course, nothing in the card is ever meaningful. Mostly, hey you're a great friend and I hope you're gonna have a great Christmas, I'll call you and we'll hang out. That kind of crap you know, but I guess it's because it said that that makes it hurt so much more.
I looked at Nancy's Christmas card from last year and it said something about having a great Christmas, and she talked about how things were looking up because I'd gotten over Chris and stuff like that. I don't know, it just came flooding back, and for just a second there, I though, "we should be friends again." But then a part of me held back. The thing is, before, I could think about why we shouldn't be friends and actually see it as a good reason, the right reason. Now, I don't know what to think. Perhaps, it's all really because I know she wouldn't try. No matter what she says, her actions are so much different. It would never work... and I guess, in the end that's what makes it so sad.
I think I'm supposed to be looking at the future and all... focus on the good stuff, but sometimes I feel as if the past is weighing me down. You know, I see so many happy people out there and I know that for a long time I won't be able to be one of them. Because I'll never be that innocent person again. And if there's something I really want, well, I'd really like to have that innocence, but again, another impossible gift. Why is it that the only thing I ever want, always seem impossible?
Sometimes, I don't understand how this is all supposed to work out. Is this all part of some secret plan that someone has planned out for me? I don't even know anymore, my mind is so clouded, and I think I wish I was at school, at least this way, I wouldn't have the time to sit here and think about things like this. Most of all right now, I really miss Jeff and I really want to talk to him.
There is so much that I wish people could see about me, but it's always something that I wish people would discover by themselves, not with any help from me. And perhaps by doing this, I'll end up hurting myself - expecting things I'll probably never receive, but I can't help it, this is the way I am. And I know this is not a good thing... You know, sometimes I just feel like I'm talking to a wall, as if none of this matters to anybody. And I guess there's nothing wrong with that, because that always seems to be the way life is.
I'm this two person inside. A part of me is so desperate and live too much in reality. I like to runaway and never have to think about anything. I want to be disconnected from everything. Just lie in bed and never wake up... Like before, I just want to live in New York. But then there's this other part of me, she doesn't even know what reality is. All she does is dream. And no matter how corny or how unbelievable it is, she believes it. I don't like either side because they're so extreme, but then I do, because they represent who I am. But most of the time, I hope it's a fairy tale. So that I can be that reality girl who gets changed to that dreamer by her prince charming... but I know that my reality self will realize that she's foolish. And really, that's all I am. I'm foolish.