Have you ever felt so low that you just want to totally kill yourself. I didn't think that you could ever feel that badly about anyone, let alone yourself.

I've always thought of myself as a pretty nice person. Sure, I tease a lot, but they're all jokes, and I don't really mean it. And then one day you find out that you're wrong, and you're this totally evil person that deserves to be horribly punished. I feel kind of like that right now. I hate being a cruel person... heck, truth be told, I can't even be cruel to someone I dislike. So how could I be so cruel to someone I care about so much? And that's really the part that gets to me.

Perhaps the worst part is that I don't remember it, not really. I'm also so quick to blame it on other people. I'm thinking this is Nancy's fault. She made evil. How pathetic do I sound?

I can't stand it because it's the worst thing I've ever done, and I don't know why. I don't fucking know why. I should remember something like this. It's like I was evil in another lifetime and I didn't know it, but it wasn't another lifetime. It was 3 years ago, tops. I never though myself evil, cruel or anything bad, at least not purposly... but I know I said these hurtful things on purpose, and I want to know why. Why fucking Why. I probably said it to make him stop trying, but the fact that I don't know for sure, pisses me off. I feel so foolish. Well, here you are ladies and gentlemen, I am not 100% nice as like I thought I was.

Another one of the many reasons why I should live in New York. There's no one around for me to hurt their feelings, or stomp their hearts on. Just me and my own pain. What a bitch I am.