I don't feel that great at all. I know I shouldn't keep beating myself over this, but I can't help it. I can't stop thinking about those words I said so long ago and if I don't think about that I think about the actual person and that doesn't bring me much joy either because then I think "yeah... he lives more than 5000 miles away from me. That's real great." I'm trying hard to be positive, but ugh.

I wish I didn't have to think about any of this, but then if I didn't think about this, I'd probably think about homework. And yeah, that doesn't bring me that much joy either. I'm so sick of life. That's all I've been thinking this whole entire day. I'm so sick of life. I can never seem to get what I want and I fuck up everything else. I wish life was like designing a layout. You have the components for everything, all you need to do is find out where to put it and have it done, but it's not like that and I hate it.

Whatever... this is by far one of the stupidest Christmas ever. And yeah, stupidest isn't even a word, and it's stupidest... not crappiest or boring Christmas... it's the most stupidest. Sorry, I sound like the Grinch or something. Christmas gets so overrated when you're me, I guess. Maybe next year will be better... I hope so.