I also feel like I've been holding back in here. Like there's certain stuff that I've not talked about that I want to. It's good to keep some things a secret so they can't be used against you, and I would really liked to share it, if not for the fact that it concerns a diaryland member and he/she might read this. And you know me, I hate open hostility.
In that past few short days, I've learned to make life enjoyable, quite happy too. Things were going pretty well between Jeff and I also. But I feel that that's coming to end, and if it not already, I feel that it's just around the corner, and this depresses me, because once again, I have no control over how I feel. It must be a sin to be so bipolar. It's like my opinion of someone changes completely. Jeff, if you're reading this, I don't think there's anything you can do to change the way I feel about anything, because even with my common sense, I can't straighten myself out. Maybe I have no common sense then.
Anyway, I feel like I've gone back to being bitter again. I feel like I've lost my open mindedness and decided to shut everything out again and New York still looks so tempting, even more so now. I don't think I'll ever change the way I am, which kind of pisses me off, but I suppose this would be my excuse to isolate everyone from me.
As seen from the test results last entry, I'm schizoid, borederline, and obsessive-compulsive. Which is pretty accurate, I am stoic for the most part, I am very bipolar and let's face it, I'm pretty obsessive-compulsive I guess. I'm not 100% sure on that one.
According to the Enneagram Test, I am a perfectionist, and I am sensitive, detached and calm. And anxiety didn't really agree with each other in the two tests, and I'm not sure which I am really. I won't comment on the perfectionist. I do like order, but I haven't considered myself a perfectionist in so long because I've become lazy. As for sensitive, I guess that's true, being that I'm emotional and all, which is rather ironic because I've just said that I'm stoic. As for detached and calm, I agree with this because being detached goes back to my stoic thing. And calm... weirdly enough, I am usually calm no matter what, unless of course someone did something to piss me off at that moment. I've come to see that betrayal isn't so bad and it's something I can seem to handle pretty well. Yay for me, huh?
I don't know anymore, at least before I could declare myself happy or sad or lost or whatever the occasion might have been, but now I'm just nothing. I don't feel anything. I don't think anything. Well, the only thing that I do feel really is bad and guilty that I feel this way because I might hurt Jeff again, but other than that, absolutely nothing. I hope I'm one of those people that's hard to read 'cause I don't want people to know how I feel anymore.
This is why being away from school is bad for me, because I'm never around people enough that I start turning this way. I hate being alone by myself because this other part of me comes out and cosumes me, and it's really overwhelming, but there's nothing I can do to stop it. When I'm alone I look at everything that's happening. When I'm not alone, I focus on the present and the people around me. I am two people and I will always be this way. That's why my alone self keeps talking about NY, while my nonalone self is rather happy. But since I'm alone, I'm not happy. I'm not, it's as simple as that and my alone self will never be happy because I reflect too much and I see so much, more than I should...