Mom leaves tomorrow for China. I'm dreading it more and more. For the first time I cried because I think that I can't handle something. At least before when I thought this, I would convince myself that I could and that was that and I would get over it, but this time I shed a few tears and that worries me.

Mom found out that I've been staying after school at Ms. Royer's and she got angry for not telling her. I didn't think there was much of a point anymore because I constantly called my brother that I was at school so I thought that at least he would know, so there was no point in calling daily once you get used to something.

I found that I got at 34/50 on my AP US test. I'm so disappointed in myself. I don't know, I don't think I could ever bring up that grade. The only thing I really care about now is that I pass the AP test.

I still can't believe it, but my mom's going... going. She even said that I was going to be like a mom at home now. I can finally understand why it's so hard for moms to go back to school once they have kids and also how teenage girls who get pregnant would drop out of school.

I wish I could talk to Jeff right now. I don't think I've ever wanted to hear his voice as much as I wanted in that moment. I still constantly think about him, but more with a clear head, which is a good thing, but I still miss him so much. It's hard to get close to him, because I know that somewhere along the way, we'll lose it again.

The dreams weren't much better last night. I had a dream that I was in a war and I got shot once in the shin and once in the knee and I also got stabbed on my back twice. I felt the impact of it, but I never feel any pain after that. The only thing I can really remember was that Jed was next to me and right when the war was going I said that I was scared repeatedly. What's it all mean? I don't know if I want these dreams to continue or not.