Sometimes I always forget the lessons that I've learned. Or maybe I just need reminding. Chris and I had this long conversation yesterday about the things that were around us. He seems to have matured a bit.

But he told me something I was not expecting to hear. He said to me that he has always wanted to be my friend ever since forever. Let's back up a moment. This is Chris. He doesn't consider many people his friends. In fact he stated that he only considers 2 other people friends: his girlfriend, Alyssa and Gus, who apparantly is in Korea with the army. Chris thinks that people he hang around with are just people that come to each other when they need something and go away if they don't. I guess that's kind of true.

I say: I'm not in the band room much though so I guess you can't really bug me anymore.
Chris says: I know.. but when I get the chance, I do...
I say: Well, you don't bug me that much anymore.
He says: I don't see you enough anymore.
I say: Naw, you don't need me.
He says: ? ... Why do you say that? ... Of course I do... no one else actually talks.
I say: That's not true, don't you talk with alyssa?
He says: Yeah. Well hardly... Alyssa does... And you... and Gus. I hate most people... 'cause most people are your friend until you need them... That's my theory...
I say: You don't talk to me... not really.
He says: Well... it's hard... cause I don't think you like me much.
I say: lol. Haha.
He says: so I try not to talk... but you know I try... every once in a while... a message pops out of nowhere. I go back and forth about it.
I say: Yeah, you do. I notice. I've gotten used to it.

Point is, Chris considers me a friend. Oh lookie, I've made his Top 3 list. He says he sees something in me that he doesn't with anyone else. He says I'm different. I asked him if he still loved me. I would've asked if he ever did love me, but he got mad at me once that I would ask if he loves me when I should know the answer. He made a big deal out of it; got so fucking mad. Anyway, I asked him if he still did love me and he doesn't answer me directly. He basically said that he saw things in me that he doesn't see in other people and when he sees that it feels like love.

I say: I have a question. Do you still love me?
He says: I have an answer... My feeling are very weird... lol. I see a lot of good things in you, like real things... things you don't see in other people. And when you see it... and feel it.. it feels like love. You know what I'm saying?
I say: I think so.

It's so hard to understand him sometimes. I think there must be two parts of him sometimes. This good part and this bad part. I think for some moments now, I've believed that NEC has come back now. Maybe he has, but it's so hard to believe. He used to be so caring. And I really did believe that that part of him left, but maybe that part of him has come back now. I'd really like to believe that because I love that part of Chris... but I don't want to set myself to get hurt.

Like today, we got to talking last night and we were going to go see Along Came Polly. He didn't show up... I'm not surprised. He's always doing this kind of stuff. I get so frustrated because I want to believe him and I want to trust him. He tells me not to worry and he pulls something like this? And I don't get that. If he doesn't want me to worry then why didn't he call me? Why didn't he show up? I don't get it. Why's he like this?

And then suddenly, it just reminds me of the relationship between my mom and I. I say things that I've never done. I linger around nowhere, never coming home or never calling even though she tells me to. And sometimes, I remember, but mostly, I don't. And then when I do come home, I see her yelling at me and all I can think is, "I'm so stupid; it's not hard to just call someone to make sure that they don't worry." But somehow, it is hard, because it's been a repeated pattern for so long now. And every time I feel bad, and I think I won't do it again, but it's only a matter of time before I do. And when I do, I beat myself up again and it's just a cycle all over again. I wonder if Chris does this to himself. I wonder if he constantly thinks that he messed up like I do. I'm like the worried mom right now and he's the son that's somewhere out there where I don't know and I just wish that he would fucking call so I know what the fuck is going on.

Maybe Chris and I aren't so different after all. I know one thing though, if he really expects me to be friends with him, some things have got to change... But you know, I'm pretty sure he'll arrive at 5pm or something and then he'll want me to go. I know him. And I know myself, and foolishly, I'll go with him. Not only because I want to give him a chance, but because I want to go out because I'm sick of staying home. And I'll convice myself that I'm going so I can teach him a lesson or something, but who knows if I'm just in denial or if I really mean that?

I say: Do you want us to be friends?
He says: Yea.
I say: Why's that?
He says: 'Cause... just 'cause we are not together... doesn't mean we still can't be friends... There are still special things about you that can't go away. I still feel it.
I say: No, that's not what I meant. Why do you want to be friends with me at all? What do I have to offer to you that you would want a friendship?
He says: 'Cause... there is something different about you... you're not like everyone else.
I say: So you want me to be your "special" friend?
He says: ? ... No.. I don't have friends... they think I'm their friend... but I'm not... 'cause a friend is something I don't see in a lot of people. That's why I don't get along with alot of people.
I say: So you're saying you see it in me?
He says: Yeah...
I say: Do you think you get along with me?
He says: We would be called friends. Yea, I think so.
I say: I see. ...but we've had a lot of problems and miscommunications.
He says: That's life.
I say: True.
He says: You can't take away what's there though. I can't trust anyone... but I think I could trust you.
I say: That's just cause you know I wouldn't betray you.
He says: You know... and thats cause I notice you listen... and you think about things differently then most people.
I say: Do I really? When have I done that?
He says: Yea. You're doing it now...
I say: I see.
He says: Out of the 159 people on my list.. you're the only one that has talked to me in this way online... Ya know, it's an actual conversation online...
I say: Yeah. I know.
He says: It's also hard to do that online...
I say: That's 'cause we've never really done it in person. But I'm sure you have actual conversations with others.
He says: Nope. Not online.