I hate these damn mood swings. Yesterday, I felt like crap, but today I feel pretty good. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Chris. I hate the feelings I feel when it comes to Chris. I really wanted to say to Chris today that I didn't want to be close friends with him anymore, because it's just so hard for me, because I know that he could never give me the attention that I need from a close friend because he's always with Alyssa. And not being able to tell him that yesterday was really eating at me. I was really tired last night and fell asleep before he came online, so I was thinking of a way to tell him this today at school.

I really don't want to bother Chris or Alyssa when they're together. It's like bothering someone when they want to be alone, you know? Well, fourth period, he ditched his class because he had a cold (yeah, that was his excuse). Well, I have orchestra 4th period, and it just so happened that today we get to practice individually. And to me, that means that we don't really have to practice because he's not there to direct us. So Chris and I spent the whole period just hanging out and talking. And that was really nice. I knew he was actually trying and I realized then that he really wanted to be my friend, because he soley focused on me. And because of that I couldn't tell him that I didn't want to be close friends with him, because he was trying (and that says a lot) and I was and whenever we hang out, I always get this feeling that I don't feel from anyone else and I guess I didn't want that feeling to leave because I love this feeling and I knew it would leave if we weren't friends anymore. But I felt so bad afterwards, because I pretty muched ditched Bo to spend time with Chris. That makes me realize how much I want to make it work too... but I'm afraid that I'm only denying the inevitable - that sooner or later we won't hang out and then it'll only hurt me more. And already, I have hurt so much... I just never know what to do anymore. I wanna say that I'll just go with the flow, but I know myself. I am not good at going with the flow when it comes to Chris.

Gosh, I hope this works out. I hate being in pain again. I hate all these failed friendships from the past. And I hate this temporary happiness that I feel that usually leads to pain when I see that I was blind. Please, just don't let it be a mirage this time, because if it is, I might just give up on everything. Which is just as well, I guess... but I'm so sick of the pain.