Algophobia is the fear of pain and I suffer from that. I'm constantly scared of pain... like, there will be things that I'll do, but I'm afraid to take a risk if I might end up getting hurt. This is probably a built up of all the pain that I've dealt with in the past before... but I don't know why pain scares me so much. Maybe I'm just tired of crying... And I hate it when my heart is breaking and I hate that feeling... Why does pain exist? It's weird because if it was anything else, I would be able to get over it because nothing's ever scared me much. I mean, I have a slight fear of heights and I don't like spiders, but it's nothing that I can't handle or get over, at least momentary.

This whole week has been so stupid in a way, because It's been a huge up and down for me and most of it is because of Chris. We've only been friends for one week and already I feel some pain and yet, I feel happiness likewise. It's so frustrating and it's even worse because I'm so scared of being in pain. I don't even know why. I've always been able to handle it and get over pain, but I don't know why I'm suddenly so scared. Maybe I'm more scared that after the pain, I won't ever be able to trust anyone again because I can only take so much pain...

It's only been a fucking week. Imagine that I go through this every month. I wouldn't be able to take that, so this better not happen as frequently as it did this week.

I don't know why I have this fear, but I wish it would go away. I don't want to be scared of being in pain... Maybe I'll slowly get over it... I hope so. I hope that maybe in time I could get over this fear when I am finally able to trust people and know that they won't hurt me. Maybe Chris could do that... I don't know... but Chris seems to always hurt me every once in awhile, but then he always does something else that usually gets me so happy again... What I do find amazing is that Chris has in fact changed a lot and many of the qualities that I disliked about him are gone... I'm not sure if there are some left, but I guess in time I'll find out myself.