Everything happens for a reason right? So why the fuck did that have to happen, is someone fucking messing with my head? Because they know that I'm not even in that great of a mood? Because they knew that I just might get so mad? That my pain brings you joy?? What the fuck is that?
I hate being alone. I constantly feel bad. I need the presence of people or I think too much, I reflect too much. I feel fucking bad and I'm not the only one like this because I've realized that a lot of people are like this. I never realized how many people are so fucking depressed all the time, but I just never saw it until now. All this time, I thought I was the only one, but I'm not. I didn't realize how alike I was with everyone else. It seems as if everyone is always secretly hurting about something.
I can't stand being alone. When I move out of this house and go live in a dorm or something, I have to have a roomate, I can't stand the silence that fills up the room, even with the radio on and stuff, I can still hear myself think. And thinking is so dangerous for me. It leads to analyzing things that I shouldn't and that eventually opens the door to my emotions and then I just can't stop crying. I hate my emotions. I have no control over them. Why is that? Why don't I have any control over my feelings? I don't get that.
When I'm around other people, I don't feel any of this sadness, depression or any of this other crap, but when I get on this computer, when I stare at this screen and I start thinking... and nobody's around, I'm free to cry without having to worry about other people worrying about me and then all of a sudden, I feel like I'm trapped in my mess of emotions that I can't get out of. Which emotional experience should I remember first? Which event to cry over? Each time, it feels like the same thing, yet I have no idea what I'm even crying about. And yet, I go back to my original thinking about why I was crying in the first place, and I realize how stupid it is to be crying, because what does crying do? Crying doesn't do anything. It doesn't change anything. And it only makes you hurt more. It allows you to hurt openly. And it allows everyone else to see that you're hurting.
So I don't know why I do it. I repeat this never ending cycle of ... of I don't even know what! The whole thing is stupid, my head knows that, but my heart won't listen and neither will the tears stop. I can always be so stoic and not think about it all, but somewhere along the way, that won't work because I can only contain my feelings inside for so long before I break down again. And when I break down, I break down for days and maybe I am being overdramatic about the whole thing, but I can't help the way I feel. Don't fucking tell me that I shouldn't feel the way I do. Don't you think I know that? Don't you think that I've tired to fix that? Do you think I like pain? I don't even know the answer to that question anymore, because sometimes I think that I do like it. Otherwise, you'd think I'd find a way to avoid it by now, but I haven't.
I wish I could talk to someone about this in person. I'm so ready to open up to someone and have them listen to me and I know I'd listen to what they'd have to say too, but I don't know, that just doesn't seem to be happening.
I was opening up a little bit to Bo today, but I'm not sure that I want to do that, because Bo is a senior and she'll be gone by the end of this year and if I open up to her, it'll be the relationship between Mike and I all over again, and I don't need that again. I don't need the pain or that feeling of abandonment, but I really wish I could talk to someone about this in person.
I'll always like diaryland though, because I treat it like a person, and maybe no one listens to me, but when I reread what I write, I'm listening to myself, you know? And I get what I'm trying to say so I can relate to myself I guess and sometimes that's all you really have. I'm just so tired. I am. This repeating cycle and everything else... so ridiculous.
I've been so bitchy lately.