I've just spent most of the day looking through diaries throughout diaryland, which is usually a pretty boring thing for me, because I usually cannot find anything good or to my interest on here, but today, I amazingly came across two great diaries. This one and this one. It makes me realize how little I've actually been through and all these rants about nothing is in fact NOTHING! And all of a sudden, I don't feel so bad anymore, you know?
And I went back through some of my old surveys and I see that I used to say how much I love Chris or whatever, and I know it's stupid, because how long did that last, right? Exactly. It's stupid like that. And a lot of reviewers have been saying that my life is a repetition because they read the beginning of my diary and the recent stuff and they see that I mention Chris in all of it, but they skip the middle where I was without Chris for about a year. And they don't realize or know anything. Yeah, I guess my problems do seem like they are repetition, but I guess I forget my lessons and with Chris, I can relearn them over and over again, but I'll never remember everything.
I went around in a circle this month. Can you believe it, it's been a month since Chris and I said that we'd be friends? I can't believe it! That went by so fast! Days go by too fast for me to think about something stupid like Chris. In years from now, when I am lying on my death bed, Chris will not be the guy that is going to be sitting next to me, nor will he be the guy that I will think about first. Like I said, I went around in a circle this month and this is what I learned. Chris really does love Alyssa. And I have so much respect for that, more than Chris and Alyssa put together will ever realize. Because they don't understand how I think or how I'm feeling right now. I have so much admiration for both of them for different reasons. I was jealous at first, because I never got any of that from Chris and then I realized that if I did, I wouldn't be where I am right now. And I'm so glad that Chris didn't treat me like he does Alyssa, because I know we would've never broken up and I would've ended up hurt so many times.
The only piece of the puzzle I'm missing is why Chris was disloyal to Alyssa. I don't get that. If Chris loved Alyssa that much, why? That's the only piece in the puzzle that doesn't fit. And I guess I would never know, because there are many things about Chris that I don't know today.
It's so strange because I look back at some of the things I said before and all the pieces do come together. Chris and I predicted our own future without ever realizing it. All things that I listened to, all the bits and pieces, I just never put it together, and everyday when I look at the past, I see a whole puzzle.
A great example is what I said in a survey awhile back: "that's funny, becuz I recently just had a pretty close friend kiss me. we both like each other but he told me that if we ever got together it will ruin the friendship if we break up, cuz that's what happened with his past ex, and I wouldn't know cuz I've never been with a friend..." That's kind of what happened. We didn't stop becoming friends after the break up, but it did feel like it, because there was an instand disconnection, and even when we started to connect again, it was never reached because he fucked up, and even if he didn't, I don't think we would've reconnected. We're always so close, but never reaching it.
I'm tired of feeling jealous, so I'm just gonna let it go. I thought I learned this lesson about Chris before, I mean, I had, but I guess I forget. With Chris, I always forget. Sometimes, I don't think I've ever fully gotten over him. And when I forget what I learned, I'm so blinded by this charm that he has. The main thing to remember about Chris: You can never have all of his heart, not even 90% of it. And the thing is, there's always this desire to have all of his heart (for me anyway), and I know I'll never get that, so why should I bother? I'd rather seek something more accomplishable.
Chris asked me to go to this gig thing tonight and I declined and I said "maybe next time" and he said "maybe." It seemed like I was talking about something else, and not the gig thing. It felt as if I was saying "maybe we'll be friends again" and he said "maybe" in a doubtful tone... and I guess, I agree with that. I'm through with analyzing all this stuff. I have to remember the old entries I had, where I said that if Chris would ever want me back, that I'd turn him down, and you know what? I'm so weak and I haven't been able to do that, and I think it's about time that I started trying.