I realize something and i want to admitt it... sorta. see, all this time i thought i was independent. well, everyone is partly indepenedent in their own ways, some more than other's that all. but i realized that i'm not really that indepenedent becuz i realize that althuogh, i never depended on my parents, i did depend on my friends. i realized this a while ago, but i dunno... it's weird for me i guess. see, right now i like to follow ppl where everyone is taking these classes. i follow the statistics. i dont think that i could make it by myself. i mean, i can, but i'm just too scared for that shit for some reason. i dunno why. i guess i'm just too scared to be myself. cuz i've dependent on other's presences. that's why i admire Jason that he can move on without the rest of us so easily, cuz he thinks of himself, not what others think of him. and i'm really envious of that. cuz i wish i was like that. but we're 2 different ppl and we're not alike, and i really dont expect us to be alike either. in some ways, i hope never to be like him, no offense to him, but i could never live a life as boring as jason's. and i can't his quietness and he's not really a go-getter... well, the thing is, i guess i dont like this realization, but i like who i am still. but i guess i wish i could be like jason in that sense, where i could move on by myself. i get scared so eaily with that shit. i dunno, i act like i'm tough and all that shit, but i think everyone does that. i know i'm not someone tough though. i'm just a big baby in a tough looking person's body. i think most ppl are like that though. they act tough. it's not like it's unusual. we all wear some kinda mask, whether given or put on is the difference. we can't all be what we want so we pretend. no biggie. i wish i knew everything, but i know i don't. i may try to act like i do. but i know i don't. ok, now i'm just rambling on about shit. no one reads this kinda shit anyway.

i'm still confused. i dont get myself. i know i'm over jason, but sometimes, i still get this weird feeling that i'm not even sure what it is. i just want to get over the whole thing, but sometime, during french class, i 'sense' his presences and it throws me off, and sometimes, i see him talking to others (in that class) and i just keep wondering what keeps us from talking like that. but i dunno, i know i'm over him, so what's wrong with me? i dont get it. i just wish i wasn't so cofused. i dont' know what i want anymore. ever since school started all i've been doing is moving back and forth to jason. what am i supposed to think? i thought i was through this shit. i can't stand this kinda crap. it annoys me so much. sometimes i wish i knew what was on his mind though. if i could just read their thoughts or something. doesn't help that jason's like the quietest guy in the world... (not literally or anythign like that). well, then there's chris which i'm still not sure about. i get the feeling he likes me now, but then i feel like i'm just being paranoid again, like i always am. i dunno what it is anymore. and sometimes, i get that look in his eyes, and i am always thinking, "what is he thinking?" becuz he does such a good job at staring right at me without blinking. what? is he trying to read my thoughts or something? the funny thing is, i get the feeling like i know what he's thinking - except, i dont. i know that makes no sense whatsoever. but i dunno. it's like this telepathic thing. i see what he's saying through his eyes. i'm not sure if he realizes, but for some reason, i get this message from him too - that he does know what i'm thinking... but the thing is, i dunno what i'm thinking, so how would he know? i dunno. i'm just so lost. guys are so confusing. esp. these 2. before it was just jason, now it's 2 of them. damn, i can't wait for the next guy (sarcasm). thing is, i'm just so tired of this shit happening to me. someitmes i think that i get this kinda cofusion more than anyone in this world, becuz it's always there non stop and it keeps poping up in my head every single second. and it never rests and that just makes me wanna kick someone. like JOSH YOUNG. that fag. i just wish someone would wake me up from this dream... i'm not even sure who i like. sometimes it seems that i want to like someone but i can't. but when i dont want to like them i do. man, my instics suck it leads me to some pretty crappy shit. damn, i must like being tortured. well yeah, i do i guess. pain makes me feel better =) i dunno why. i guess cuz it makes me feel like i dserve it. i still dunno what i want to do about chris. i make him sound like some kinda lab expermeint i dunno what to do with, but it's not like that... maybe i'll explain another time. right now, i just don't know if i still like him. it seems like i do, but there's times where i don't. but i'm pretty sure i still like him somewhat, cuz i get that thought in my head, something like "where's chris?"... etc. anyway what's the point? sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my life away. actually, i probably am. doesn't matter. nothing matters. everyone is fucked up. including me. ESP. ME.