I finally finished reading The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan. I was surprised that I didn't cry, but I did get a little emotional. Maybe that explains why I am feeling a little sad right now and with the radio playing Evanescence's (My Immortal), it just kind of sets the whole sad mood thing, you know?
Yesterday I think I told some things to Jed that maybe I shouldn't have. Sometimes I'm so ready to give a part of myself to anyone that sometimes I forget who I'm talking to. I shouldn't have told him, but yet I was the one that really wanted to say anything in the first place. I felt like I gave a piece of my mind to him. I haven't even given that to Bo yet, but... Bo and Jed's different. Bo will be off to college next year, but Jed will still be here. That is why I have such a harder time opening up to Bo. I really love hanging out with her though because I can talk to her so easily, like nobody else, but I'll miss her too much later on. We've only got 3 months left before she'll leave me too. Now would not be a good time to open up.
I told you I've been editing my older entries. Well, while I'm editing, I have to read what I said. So far I've edited entries 151-232. Most of the entries, I found out, were about Chris. This doesn't particularly surprise me because we broke up in September over reasons I still don't really know why. And I didn't really get over the whole thing until about November I guess. A lot of it were rants, but I don't know about what. I constantly say that I don't want him back, and then why do I write about him? I still don't want him back, but why am I writing about him now? In one of these entries I was complaining about the fact that he broke his promise of remaining friends after we broke up, but now I wonder if I was the one that broke the promise. And now, I wish that that promise was still broken, because after the cell phone thing in March last year when I got mad at him, I decided to never talk to him again and life was good that way. I liked things that way...
With Chris in my life, he always makes me think, it always invovles too much thinking. And I can say I'll just let things be, but it won't happen like that. Sooner or later, I'll start thinking and maybe it won't really hurt me, but it messes up everything else. Before I couldn't put my hand on what pattern we went through, but now I can.
We have a serious/deep conversation and I see this great side of him and he gives me so much hope that this will be it. And then I show up at school the next day and it's like nothing's changed. Maybe we'll say hi or something and maybe he'll even make the effort to try too, but that will only go on for so long before he forgets. And he stops trying... and it's probably because I was so disappointed that we didn't talk that I gradually die and stop trying too. And then I look back at what happened, analyzing it and wondering why things happened the way they did. And maybe we'll drift so much that we don't talk anymore... but it doesn't really matter.
Then one day we'll decide to go out and we're by ourselves and I know he won't care if I leaned against him. He won't care if I'm even kind of flirting with him. He'll even flirt back. And he wouldn't care if we kissed, or if we went beyond that. I don't understand how he could be such a noncommited one night stand kind of guy. He told me that he's broken a lot of hearts but nobody's ever broken his. And I want to break his because I want him to know how it feels. How much pain he puts me through because I have to think so much. It's a wonder I don't go through headaches.
And then maybe after the "date" we'll talk a little bit again, and maybe we'll try a little bit again, and then we'll start to drift again. And then one day it seems that you haven't talked to him in so long, haven't said hi in such a long time, and you wonder if you're still friends with him anymore, but he'll pop up an IM and say "hi". And then you realize that he's bored and he's trying to go back to an old friend. I've turned him down a few times, but he doesn't have any dignity. Actually, he thinks it's nothing to do with dignity, he thinks it has to do with wanting to get what you want and doing whatever to get it. And maybe we'll have a few more of these "dates" or maybe one, or perhaps none, until we drift completely.
And then one day we'll talk again. We'll have a deep conversation and then the cycle will start all over again. And I'm tired of it, but I don't know how to stop it or where to stop it. When and where should I break the cycle? And why can't I learn from the cycle? Every time we have a deep conversation, why can't I realize that nothing's changed? Why do I have those false hopes? And what is the point of all these "dates"? I could never truly be satisfied with it. So why do I lie to myself like this so? Why is Chris so charming in that way that I can't ever escape him? How could I ever explain how complex our relationship is? How could I ever make him go away without it hurting? Why can't I remember what he's done, but I'm so quick to forget all his faults? Why would I still want him when I see what he's done/doing to Alyssa? And how could I ever explain to you what he does to me or how he makes me feel?