I tried out for our school musical yesterday, but I don't think I did too well. I don't find out if I make it until sometime next week. The only reason I tried out was because Ms. Ramirez said she would give us some extra points of we do. And I really want those points, so yeah. If I make it, that'll be cool. I've always wanted to act anyway. As for singing, I sing alright, and I'll be fine as long as I don't have to sing a solo or anything... But then later, I heard Kevin, this guy that's kind of in charge of the musical, say that it'll probably be canceled because there's just not enough people.
I can't seem to get Chris outta my head. I wish it would stop. I had a dream about him yesterday, but I don't think it was very important and I don't really want to remember it. I wish that I'd have violent dreams again, it's better than any dream of Chris.
It's been really hard on me, editing my past entries. They are all about Chris, either about how hurt or confused I am, or how much I care about him or sometimes even love him. I get confused sometimes and I wonder if I really do love him. I can hate him so much, but I guess that's why it's so much easier to love him. I don't want us to be friends, because I'm analyzing our relationship all the time. It's hardly a friendship because I never say hi to him at all. We don't talk online, nothing... yet, I know we're still friends. I know he thinks this, and as long as one of us thinks that, then I won't be able to let it go.
I debate all the time in my head whether I should write him a letter to end our friendship, because we're just better off that way. No, I'm better off that way... and I guess for Alyssa too. But I guess I can't because there's this part of me that still hopes and wishes for this friendship that I want so badly from Chris. I still do wish that we could become close friends, and I still do wish that he could understand me. Realistically, that won't ever happen, but I know that when I hang out with him, we are so compatible and I love just being able to lean on him, because he has this compassion that I can't find in anyone else. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone else's compassion...
It's like, once you get a taste of what it is, you want more, and even though it's bad for you, you can't stop. It's kind of like drugs I guess... I can't stand the emotional turmoil that Chris brings me. Chris is My Perfect Drug. (Nine Inch Nails reference)