I must've mentioned the pool incident a lot, two main entries that I've talked about it is in entry #53, entry #485 and my last entry. Entry #53 was about how I felt about the pool incident right after it happened. In entry #485, I only mentioned it in one paragraph, which is the 3rd one from the bottom. I never mentioned that that was the pool incident though.

I guess a part of me never wanted the pool incident to be known, like I didn't want to tell anyone what happened, because I knew if I did, people would make a big deal out of it, and I guess also because what Nancy did was really bad that I wanted to protect her. Despite what she did to me, I really wanted to protect her... but you don't understand what Nancy meant to me then. She was my only closest friend and I confined in her about everything. The pool incident wasn't the reason that we stopped being friends, but perhaps, it was part of it, especially since I used the pool incident to further "hate" her, like, it gives me a good reason as to not like her... does that make sense?

A part of me still doesn't want to tell my readers about the pool incident. It's like giving a deep, dark secret that I've kept for so long that if I gave it away, I'd feel kind of bare. I don't like thinking about the pool incident, because it portrays Nancy and I's friendship so much, and maybe that's what makes it hurt most of all. And I know that when I read this entry in a few years, I'm gonna be hurt, and I'll probably avoid reading this entry for a very long time... Who wants to open closed wounds?

The pool incident took place during the summer of 2002. It took place in June. I don't remember the day, it was probably the 24th... I don't really remember. I guess the date wasn't important, or maybe I just didn't want to remember it. Why would I want to?

I don't know who called me, it was either Chris of Chris' friend, Gus. They invited me to go to Chris' grandma's house. Her house has a pool... and the whole point was to hang out at the pool, maybe swim. I didn't go. I knew it was a bad idea, and I had a bad feeling about the whole thing in the first place. I remember it was in the evening. I think maybe it was 5pm. Anyway, I told Chris that I couldn't go, and I really couldn't, because I knew my mom wouldn't have let me go. And even if I could, I'm not sure that I wanted to. I had a really bad feeling about the whole thing, remember?

Why wouldn't your mom let you go?

You'll notice in my profile that I said I went though hell with my mom. Chris was basically why. There was another incident that was really bad, where she even slapped me, but I don't really want to get into it. I think she suspected that I was doing some really bad things with Chris. She even asked me at one point later on if I had sex with Chris. As far as she knows, I've only told her that I've kissed him. She's never really liked white guys either. She says that they're more likely to leave me... (and I guess she was right in a way, because Chris did, and without much of an explanation; he later on told me once that it was his fault, not mine, and that was that) Anyway, I suspected that she knew that I had already kissed him then, but we weren't together, otherwise I don't think she would've slapped me. I know she only did because she thought that I was giving away my body to someone who won't even cherish it, you know what I mean? But that wasn't really the case.

Anyway, back to the pool incident. After I declined, Nancy called me. I don't remember what was said, but basically she was gonna go and I think she was trying to convince me to go, but I didn't. I know she sneaked out of the house to go. She's also Chinese, and so her parents wouldn't approve of her going to the pool with a bunch of guys in the evening.

You can almost kind of predict what's going to happen... but funnily enough, I had no idea. I guess it never occurred to me that she might do what she did... I forget if I had a bad feeling that whole evening, but I guess if I did, I made myself forget about it, because that's the way I was, that's the way I am.

I received a phone call at around, I think, 9pm... I forget who called me, Chris or Nancy... maybe it was even Gus. But yeah, one of them told me what happened. I'm pretty sure it was Chris, because Nancy doesn't have guts like that. And Chris just straight out told me what happened.

...

I was so numb that I didn't cry. My voice didn't crack, maybe I wasn't thinking... I don't know, but I couldn't feel anything at all. Whenever I hear bad news, I feel numb. I don't feel anything at all. It makes me seem heartless or umemotional, but that's not really the case. Maybe it's because I strengthened myself to not feel, because if I felt everything at the same time, I would crack. The funny thing is, I don't remember ever crying about it, I was only angry.

They kissed and he fingered her.

(Fingering is basically finger fucking)

I don't know if I was shocked. I think I was more disappointed than anything if you want to say that I was feeling something, but if you saw me in that moment, you would never be able to guess what I was hearing. I was expressionless. Then Chris told me something that hurt probably the most... she wasn't planning on telling me about it.

I think that was maybe the turning point in the relationship, the climax, so to speak, because when the school year started, I started to realize how much she kept from me, even thought I told her everything. And I realize that day how different Nancy and I was. Our relationship started deteriorating from that day, not because of what happened, but because she wasn't going to tell me. I know it may be weird that that's what matters most to me, but that's because I believed that friendship is based on honesty, and if she wasn't planing on telling me, that's the ultimate betrayal for me.

I make it sound like what he did means nothing to me right now, probably because I'm trying to sound emotionless. I just want to tell the story, I don't want hurt like before, that's all.

Anyway, I told Chris to put Nancy on the phone, and I remember the first thing I asked her was something like, "you weren't planning on telling me?" And I remember distinctly that Chris said that he wanted me to know so that we could save our friendship. That's so ironic because, because he told me, our friendship is over. I saw our bond breaking a few months after this happened. I don't remember what Nancy's repsone was to my question.

I learned later on that Chris kind of forced her to do it, and I can understand that with Chris, because he is kind of forceful, but I know if he trys shit like that on me, I can fight him off, because I've done it before. That's why a part of me knows that Nancy didn't fight him physically. She only fought him with words. And words doesn't mean anything to Chris. I know she partly enjoyed it, she's like that. I know so. I'm only glad that I didn't see what they did. Sometimes, I want to know what was exactly said and what lead to it happening, but it's almost been two years, so who would I ask that still remembers this? Even I can't remember word for word what happened.

Later on she said to me that she should feel more guilty than she did feel. I never knew how I felt about that. I pretty much forgave her right after it happened, maybe a day or two... I think it was because a small part of me knew there was no point in trying anymore, and I think that in some cases, that was the last straw for me, so I think a part of me died, because our bond died then, but why I probably forgave her so fast then was because I wanted to put it out of my head. Even today, I am easy to forgive, but nothing that bad has happened since that day...

Another thing that really got to me was around the time school started (around September), she promised me that something like that would never happen again. That promise angered me so much, because it's a stupid promise and it meant nothing to me. Why? I knew that the oppurtunity would never come up again. I'd rather have her not promise me something like that, so late. It also proved just how little our friendship meant to her, because she couldn't even say no to some guy just to save our friendship. I let it go then because I knew her strongwill was weak, but no matter how weak, if you really want something you'd become strong, and I guess she just didn't care enough about our friendship and that really proved that for me, so that really pissed me off.

I haven't really thought about the pool incident in a long time, and for the most part, it happened to me a long time ago, even though it hasn't even been 2 years yet. I still don't know how I really feel about it. I don't feel hurt about it anymore, and really the only thing I think about when I think about the pool incident is, why would a friend do that to someone? I can't stand Nancy's weakwill and that was maybe one of the downfalls in our friendship. I used to excuse her because I knew she was weak, but maybe if I didn't, I would've gotten out faster and wouldn't have ended up hurt like that.

Most of my anger comes from Nancy. She taught me how to be angry...