I haven't been feeling very well lately and I kind of wished that my mom was home. I've actually been thinking about her a lot recently. She won't be coming back until the end of this month or sometime in April.
I tried to talk to Chris yesterday, tell him how I felt about everything and he just told me to chill out. He always tells me to chill out when I'm uptight, that's the way he is. I guess he is kind of noncaring in a way, but he's always been like that. That's another thing I don't get about Chris. He says he cares and he wants to be friends with me, but he sure has a funny way of showing it... Chris is a very ... I don't know how he thinks, that's all. I can't put two and two togther with him, not the way he sees it.
I asked him why he wanted to be friends with me and he didn't answer and then I asked, "don't you care about Alyssa?" and then I said, "why'd you have to go looking for trouble?" Finally, he responded and said "lol." I don't get that. I don't know how he can act so nonchalantly when I'm so uptight like that.
To be honest, I am doubtful about the fact that he really wants to be friends with me now. I understand that he's not gonna hurt like I do, because, frankly, Chris doesn't hurt, not really. I called him after he wouldn't answer my question. I asked him again why he wanted to be friends with me and he says "why not?" and that makes me wonder what the whole point was. I wonder why I set myself up to fall...
I'm still trying to figure out my problem... I guess I just want to hang out with him more. He says we're close friends and then he said "we're close friend when we want to." What the fuck is that? We're either close friends or we're not. Sometimes Chris really frustrates me. I've never been able to understand the way Chris. I can kind of predict what he might say, but I can't ever understand why he says it. He says that if I really wanted to hang out with him that I'd go over to his house (he lives about 25 minutes away from me) to hang out. Then he pulled some shit like, "if you really wanted to be friend, then you make the effort to come" or something like that. Man, fuck that. He doesn't come here. He says he has no car. So I said, "well, if you really care then you would've found a way to come here." He didn't really say anything about that. He really frustrates me, not to mention piss me off.
He used to say to me, "it takes two to tango." What happened to that quote? I'm the one trying, and he's just sitting there like oh we're gonna tango? Eh... I don't know why I try. And you know where we ended up after all this? We're going to see a movie next weekened. I don't know why we're trying. Why are we? It's so annoying. You can't ever be free from Chris' grasp, and the even more annoying part is, you don't know why. It's not like he's saying "no, you have to be my friend," in fact, he even said to me that I can stop if I wanted to, but then, something doesn't let me leave or something... I don't know. I don't know how to make it stop. Why did he have to come back to my life?