I find it so amazing that everyday I learn something new about myself. It's funny how these little things that never seem to be that important to me, just all of a sudden stick out. And it's not like I haven't had this inkling of feelings that I've not ever known it, but maybe it's just that I finally see it so clearly. I amaze myself by learning something about myself everyday. I always feel like I know everything about myself and how I am, and then everyday I realize how wrong I am as I am proven wrong all the time.
I've always known that I'm a jealous person. I'm an easily stirred, jealous person, I've known that for awhile, that's one of my faults that contributed to the downfall of my friendship with Nancy. And that's one of the reasons why I'm starting to turn on Jed.
Once I view someone just a little differently, all this tension starts to build up, and once it does, it never goes away. I always ask myself afterwards why I didn't just say something to the person, but when I'm actually in the position like I am right now, I know the feeling and I experience it dead on, and I just know, this is not something I could just talk about to my friend. Nothing would change, he's not even a close friend of mine, what would he do?
I feel so jealous of Jed sometimes because it seems that I work just as hard as he does if not more, but yet he somehow always gets rewarded more than I (if I get rewarded at all) and that really pisses me off. He wouldn't let me see his lab notebook today because he wasn't done. I would only need it for 3rd period, and I know he can't do it during 3rd because his English teacher is an ass and hates it when work from other class is done. I wanted to further say that I'll return the notebook at snack (snack is after 3rd period), but Sarah cuts in and just tell me to let it go and go to class, or something like that. And that really pisses me off. I felt like Sarah turned on me and totally betrayed me and that really gets to me.
That's the thing with me, if I have a new friend, and I introduce this person to an older friend of mine and they become better friends than my older friend and I are, I go crazy with jealousy and I get so mad and I feel so betrayed. Is it wrong to feel that way? Because I feel that way a lot, and this isn't the first time something like this has happened. I know Sarah didn't mean anything by it, but it's not just that, I notice other things too. I notice that Sarah generally asks Jed for help with her things than she does me. Sarah has asked Jed to join her and her lab partner with labs... I don't know, little things like that, little pain like that builds up inside of me, until I have so much animosity. The negative feeling is overwhelming and I wish I would stop feeling this way.
Like always, when such a thing happens, I take refuge among people I normally wouldn't and I have found myself lately talking to Reina... it makes me sad, definately, but I think it's inpart my fault for pushing a friendship between Jed and I. I wish I could stop all of this from happening. I hate being like this. I hate my jealousy. If I could get rid of anything about myself, personality-wise, I wish that I couldn't feel the jealousy, because my jealousy is so overwhelming, it's consuming, but most of all, it's so obvious. I wouldn't be surprised if, in a few weeks, Jed or Sarah or anyone else would notice this and what would I say? What could I really say to justify how I feel? There's nothing I could say. It wouldn't work. So I wish it would just stop...