I've been feeling kind of secluded from my friends lately. I guess I've been feeling kind of down without really realizing it and that kind fo bugs me in more ways than one. Besides the fact that I don't like feeling down, I'd like to know when I'm feeling down. I know I'm feeling down lately, because I'm quick to snap at people, in particular my friends. When I'm a bitch like that, it's best not to hang out with me, because I'll think badly of you even if you do one tiny thing wrong. And it's gonna be in my head for the rest of our friendship.
I was a little angry at Bo when she was talking to her friend, when I was talking to her first, and all I asked was if she did the chem extra credit, and she doesn't really answer and then her friend started talking to her... I guess if I cared a lot more I'd be a lot more pissed off, but I don't think I care a lot. After I pass my bitchy stage, I generally get careless, as if I ever cared that much anymore. I think that people don't realize how I notice these little things, and I realize by noticing these things I'll lose a lot friends in my life, because I tend to hold grudges, I'm going to remember this forever, and each time they do something "wrong," I'm going to remember it and I'm going to build on it, until I explode because I cannot take it anymore. You'll see this side of me and then nothing will be the same anymore. I know this because it's happened before. Maybe that's why I can't get too close to anyone. I start to expect things, things that usually aren't much, but never happen anyway.
I'm glad, in a way, that most of my friends are seniors, because if they stuck around next year, I get the feeling that I'll lose my control sometime next year.
Ironically, I'm just dying for a close friend, but I can't having one. Mike was probably the only one that was just perfect in every way for me, but Mike is in Florida... actually he called me on Friday, but I guess in a way, I wish he would stop calling me. I can't open up to him because he doesn't call me everyday or every other day and if I open up to him and can't rely on him whenever I want to... that's just going to break me and I don't need that.
I think in a way, I've been happier than I have been in a long time, I know that's contradictory to what I said above but, I guess my feelings are all mixed up.
I guess maybe I'm happy that I have a reason to dislike the people around me, and I'm not sure why that exactly is, but maybe I'll find out soon. I say I hate seclusion, but somehow I always find myself running to it. How much could I hate it if I keep running towards it? It doesn't make any sense to me. Nothing about myself really makes sense if you think about it.
You know that new movie, "The Prince and Me"? Everytime I hear it I wanna scream out, "The Prince and I! The Prince and I!" because 'the prince and me' is grammatically wrong and it's been pissing me off. I know, I'm so obsessive-compulsive, but I can't help it. I've been into analyazing aspects of life lately; I'm taking everything out of context.
Like when I was reading Catch in the Rye, I don't know if I like the book or not, but I think the author, Salinger, is a genious because the way he put the book together is beyond words. The whole book is a flashback within flashbacks... his usage of diction is great. I love all the contradiction, the imagery and everything else. Each chapter goes through the same pattern and the development of Holden is amazing. I love Catcher, not really because of plots and events, though it contributes, but because the style of Salinger is amazing.
That was a stupid rant. Oh well, I need to try to get rid of my virus. It's pissing me off. Later babes.