School today was okay, I found myself thinking about Fyto because I ended up talking to him last night. He came over to Chris' house. The reason I was frustrated about Chris last night was because he wanted me to sneak out of my house to go the beach with him, Alyssa and Fyto. I said no, because I knew I would never get away with it, not with my mom home, and even so, I don't want to go out at 12am at night when I got school the next day! I can't stand it when I don't get enough sleep. And knowing Chris, he'd probably send me home at like 5am in the morning. Anyway, as much as I would've really liked to hang out with Fyto, I knew it wasn't a good idea, but we ended up talking for about an hour online, while Chris watched TV or something.
It was so much fun! He asked me when we were gonna hang out later and I said that we should during Spring break (next week) and we could go to the beach or something. I said that I didn't want Alyssa to go, because I don't want her to judge me like that if I were to go out and have fun with Fyto, because she goes to the same school I do and we've never had a good history together because of Chris. She always tried to get with him even when I was with him and stuff and I'm pretty sure that she silently accuse me of taking Chris away from her at times, but it's the other way around. I told that to him and he said it would only be me and him then, and that makes me even more nervous! I'd want Chris there, but Chris would want to bring Alyssa.
I found myself dozing off, thinking about Fyto. I think I even smiled to myself a few times. I hate how guys can affect me like that. I mean, who's to really say something's gonna happen? But you know how dreaming and reality are. They never quite clash...
But then, today my mom broke my bubble. She saw Nancy and she was talking about how she hasn't changed. I don't know why she was talking about this to me, I don't really care about Nancy anymore, but anyway, as she was driving, she kept talking about it... I just thought, "shut up!" Anyway, near the end she points out that at least Nancy was better than Chris. I didn't say anything, because I don't want to get into stuff like that with my mom. I never go out of my way to prove her wrong, because I don't really see a point. I hate arguing with her. I guess it's because neither of us are willing to open up to what the other has to say.
But I can understand why she would think Chris is worse than Nancy, but she doesn't see everything. She only sees the outcome, she never saw the road to the outcome. Anyway, she totally burst my bubble after that. I realized then that I couldn't say that I was going to Chris' house... not that that was my plan in the beginning because I doubt that would've worked anyway, but I don't know, it just kind of gives me a wake up call and I feel really bad, I guess, because I'm lying and I don't want to lie, not to my parents, not really... but I want to live, dammit! I'm sorry, fuck.