I didn't go anywhere with Fyto today, and it pisses me off that I'm thinking about that. I hate it when I meet someone knew and I all of a sudden feel like this person is my life and I just revolve around them. It makes me sick when I feel like or realize what I'm actually doing is moping around the house waiting for them to call, and I guess I could come up with an excuse and defend them, but what's the point? It's not them that need defending, it's me.
As I was driving today, there was something that I learned, but now I forgot what it was exactly and I can't write it down, it had something to do with Chris, and I'm sure Fyto would be involved too, but I can't really remember. It figures though, doesn't it? Because it's always about Chris that my lessons never get learned. I walk around in circles. Chris says it's like a placebo, that I see this pattern when there isn't one, that there's nothing really there to learn, but I feel like I have to. As if, I make it exist, even though it doesn't, and only soley for the purpose of... to make myself feel better, I guess.
I asked myself two questions two years ago. And that was right when Chris and I broke up. Where am I going? And who's going with me? I said that I didn't need Chris in my life and that I was going in a different direction. I said that great things are coming ahead of me and it's for the best that we break up, things like that. And now that I remember this, I wonder why I said all that, because it's been two years, and I'm headed the same way that I was before. Execpt now, sometimes I feel like Fyto is coming with me, and I have no idea where I'm going, but he's not. It's just that when I meet someone new, someone I like, I get all imagination-crazy. I know I'm not gonna marry Fyto and I only want it to be a fling, so why am I contradicting myself by saying that I want him to be in my life like that? No. I don't know where the fuck I'm going, but I'm sure as heck am not bringing anybody I know with me. Why? Because it won't work, eventually I'll leave them or they'll leave me, or both and what is the point really? In the end, there's no point. There is not enough lessons to be learned from something like that to make up for the pain that I will feel either way. Why do I bring myself to do that kind of position?
You don't understand. How could you, when I don't understand it myself.