I realized something today, and I think I am stupid not to realize it sooner.
You remember how I snuck out the other night, well, there was this guy there named Alex that I met for the first time. I didn't make that great of an impression on him, because remember, I was a bitch that night because I was angry.
Well, Chris told me today that while he was playing the drums, Fyto playing guitar, Alex started singing. And he was basically saying how I was a bitch or something like that. First Chris said that Alex was angry, but then he said that he thought Alex was joking and then he said yeah he was joking and he wasn't angry at me. I don't really care about Alex that much, because I doubt that I would have to deal with him again any time soon, but... my first thought was why didn't Fyto defend me. And I guess my first assumption is just that... always something bad like that, but if it's just a dumb joke, shouldn't I let the whole thing go? I mean, what is the point of remembering it? And do I really expect Fyto to defend me? I don't expect that from Chris, because that's not his style, especially if Alex was just joking, as Chris said.
And then I thought about it a lot more later and I began to wonder if I was hurt because Fyto didn't defend me. Should I be hurt? I don't even know anymore and I realized then that I never know how I feel anymore, because I trained myself not to feel, to be numb. Why did I do this? Because I was tired of feeling hurt, so every time someone had bad news to tell me, or something bad was coming my way, something that I knew would hurt me, I would make myself feel "numb", or nothing, so I wouldn't feel that hurt, and eventually, once I come out of that defensed mode slowly, I could began to feel a little bit of it at a time, so it wouldn't be overwhelming. Of course, this is only effective when I am prepared; it doesn't always work, but now I realize it works too well. By combining this strategy with my open mindedness, I have created myself a world, where I cannot determine how I feel because I don't know how I feel and when I do, I feel the need to defend the way I feel or change it by changing the situation.
Sometimes it's a good thing I don't know how I feel, there are some things that I have never wanted to know how I felt so I never left that numb stage, and maybe by doing so, I will never really figure out how I feel about a lot of things, but I don't want to, simple as that, but why would I want to walk around to nowhere all my life, possibly in circles? I want to go somewhere, but I'm afraid the pain may be too much.