I got my practice results back, and I scored a 61, that's a 2. I need 79 points to pass, so I was close, I guess. I will just have to suck it up and work harder. I am going to aim for a 4, I need 96 points for that I believe.
I need to read 20 pages each day from the AP review book, but I've already failed that goal by sleeping...
I hate the way I am feeling right now. I'm feeling pretty awake, but disappointed in myself and I don't really know why. Fuck, I hate these changing moods. I wish I would just stick to one. I guess it's better than being depressed all the time.
Chris is online, but I don't know what the fuck to say to him, so I'm not talking to him. I feel bad though, I feel like I should say something, but it's not like he says anything ever to me. I don't necessarily feel bad that he doesn't try, because there was a time when he did try, and it didn't go very well; I ended up feeling worse than before. I don't know what I want from him and I hate that.
Fuck, you know what bothers me most about Chris? The fact that I've known him for 2 years, minus the one year that I didn't speak to him, and I still don't fucking get him. I feel a lot like I am getting to know a new person sometimes, because Chris has changed somewhat, but that's still no excuse. So I wish that I could stop and shut up about him, but I can't. I can't stop analyzing and thinking about it. And I wish I would, because fuck, this is so unfair for me. I am so tired. I hate seeing his name on my buddy list, because of what it reminds me of. I hate seeing his name on my diary because it means he's still on my head.
But fuck, when he can get me feeling as good as I can be... I just don't know how I can live without that I guess. He gives me a taste of this "heaven", I guess, but then he takes it away from me in a matter of hours... Fuck.
I think I'm overusing that word, but anyway, it's 1am and I need to finish studying. I don't think I can read 20 pages, but I need to read at least 10. I can't stand myself.