First off, not being able to go to Grad Night really ticked me off, but I think that for the most part, I am not that pissed about it anymore. At this point really, I don't care about anything. I'm just depressed... When I feel bad, I just start not to care and make a mess of everything. Oh well... things eventually turn out alright.
When I came home today, just now... I found that my whole family was gone. This is a change. I like the peace and quiet that I am getting right now because I don't think I am ready to deal with my family. Jason is coming over tonight because he wants me to pure edit his research paper. Melinda also asked me to pure edit her paper, so I might go to the library for that. Yeah, look at me I'm so popular... that was sarcasm. Oh, you don't know who Melinda is, do you? Dang, I have a lot to catch you up on.
I've known Melinda this whole year, but before about 2-3 weeks ago, all I did was just wave to her. Then this month, we started seeing and bumping into each other more and we started talking after school... then we exchanged AIM screennames and then I think it was 2 Fridays ago, we went out, 6 of us, Melinda, her friend Jennifer (who I talk to sometimes now), Eric (who you already know), Gautam (who I'm beginning to really like hanging out with), and Melvin. It was the first time I met Gautam, but I've known Melvin since forever... Then Melinda and I started hanging out all over the place... yep.
I don't remember what I haven't said so, that's that. Well, prom is this Saturday as you know... Maybe if I wasn't depressed, then I would be excited. I think it's going to be so awkward... yeah, indeed. I'm going to bring my phone so that I can call people if it gets awkward with my date if we're by ourselves... I hate that awkwardness. I don't think K is going to ask me to dance, I'm glad. I don't know how to dance at all... People want me to take pictures, but I don't really want to. I don't have the money and he's already paid for everything else. Fuck, he likes me... he told me, and even Bo thinks so too, and she was the one that was telling me before that he was just messing around with me. I feel so bad, he paid for everything. He even paid for my corsage today. Dang. I don't know anymore. Why do I think about these kinds of things? It depresses me more because I know I'm going to turn him down... *Sigh* Why do I get stuck into these situations?
I might join cross country instead of marching band next year... Marching band is more laid back, but I don't know if I want to be laid back or not. Cross country could help me get in shape, have more energy and feel better about myself... but I don't know if I'm willing to give marching band up... I love marching band so much... And it's my last year... I'm not prepared. Fuck. I don't know what to do. Why am I left to make these hard choices? Lately, it seems to me that I need to make so many fucking damn choices. Why? I had to choose between Grad night and SAT IIs, many things with prom, now cross country or marching band. Fuck, fuck, and fuck. Have I ever told you that I hated making decisions?
Maybe I should just go cry in the corner.