I'm at school right now and I'm not really allowed to write in here, so I'm on guard to see if anyone is paying attention to me.
The reason I am writing in here right now is because I had a dream last night. Normally, I do not really rush to write in here, but I feel like I should before I forget.
The dream doesn't really make sense if you think about it and I don't know why it had to come now. I thought I was over the loneliness thing, but then the dream contradicts what I think I feel. Perhaps I don't really know how I feel!
I don't remember how it started off, but I remember how it ended up. I rememer hugging him intensely, for a long amount of time. We were sitting on the ground, our legs crossed over each other and we were holding on to each other like we were never gonna see each other again. We sat in that position for what seemed like 10 minutes maybe. I think it was longer than what I actually saw or remember seeing. He had his top off and I know this because I felt his skin while I was hugging him. I was wearing a really small shirt, and I only know this because I could feel his arms around my back and whenever he moved, sometimes I could feel his arm on my skin, and sometimes I couldn't. Each time when I felt his skin on mine, I wanted it to linger there longer. It just felt so good, which is odd, because it's a simple touch, really, but I knew I was just totally craving for it.
And then, I think he put his head on my chest and he was crying, at least, I think he was crying, I do not really remember that part... And then near the end, we looked at each other and we started to kiss. It was kind of reluctant and careful at first, but then it really did just turn into full on making out, and I remember in that moment that I wanted to have sex with him. I still remember how much I was craving for it, because there was so much lust and I could feel all my senses so heightened and I just kept wanting more. And I think, at that point he knew what I wanted to do, and he retreated immediately, and left so fast that I didn't even see him leave. It's like he just vanished. It was really weird.
And I guess if it was anyone else I wouldn't have cared or thought much about it, because these dreams happen every once in awhile and I'm not bothered by it anymore, but the fact that it was someone I knew, and in particular that it was Jeff, it bothers me. What does it mean? Why now? And the thing is, my dreams shouldn't involve him anymore, so I hope it doesn't happen again. I do not need to go down that road again.
The thing that was weird was, when I woke up, I felt really tired and it felt like all that stuff actually really did happen, and I'm not sure I've felt like that before. I don't like this one bit to be honest. I wasn't supposed to end up in this position again. Why do I play with my heart like that? It doesn't make any sense.