i dunno what it is anymore, maybe i just like being dissappointed. i was taking a shower and deciding whether or not to go online. the only reason i would want to is so i could talk to him. it's like the only time i have i guess. in the end i decided to anyway. funny thing is my instinct was telling me he wasn't on. but then i wonder cuz so much has changed now. from like the middle of feb to like last week, i would be online around the same time at around like 8 or something like that and everyone i know would be online. but now nancy is grounded, matt is on that san francisco trip. jason is unpredictably on, so i don't expect much, but mostly i expcet chris to be on, but now not even his on. i'm wondering now if he was on just to talk to me before, he told me that. but i dont know what's wrong now. i never see him on, but then i havent' had much time to go online every single day either. i think maybe he's just gotten bored of me. oh well, i'm just a stupid toy. i already know how it is. the funny thing is ppl always like me then they reject me. oh well that proves that one theory - you either love me or hate me. (unless you're jason, he's the only exception) i dunno anymore. i'm so confused. but then i did start the whole not going online on time thing anymore. i dont get it. i just want things the way they were. or maybe i just wished that i could get over chris. i just wnat to know what i see in him. i wanna know why is it that i'm so bad at picking out guys to like... or i mean, why i let my 'heart' lead to guys that are so horrible to like. i mean, no offense to chris or jason, but i think i have the right to say that they are lousy ppl to like. they are good friends, but lousy ppl to like. i'm not sure where to go from here. everythign is this stupid pattern and a cycle that i'm so tired of, i wonder when i'll get off this ride.

on the bright side, i think me and jason are finally okay again. we talked in class today and i'm really happy about that considering we've practically ignored each other for 2 weeks. i wonder if he was just weirded out about the fact that i asked him out. i kinda like the way things were right before i asked him out, cuz we were good friends. but i wonder how things would've been like if i never asked him. chris makes a good point abuot asking jason out, but he makes everythign too easy and he doesn't realize some things and that makes him stupid and act on impulse, but it's the fact that he acts on impules that i admire... so i guess that makes no sense but whatver, i think you know what point i'm getting at. and if you dont oh well. you're just dumb. lol.

*~AnNa