On another note, I was really depressed yesterday as I was having this conversation with Eric. Well, first I have to backtrack. Most of you know I have an xanga, though I doubt the lot of you go there, but anyway. I wrote an entry last weekend, I believe, when I was really depressed about something or in particular someone. There is so much to this person that it kind of reminds me of Chris, because remember Chris and how we had such a complicated relationship? That's how it is between this other person and I. Well, anyway, Eric was talking to me about it last night and he says that it sucks that I have to go through this pain. I was surprised that Eric said something to me, because he's the first person to since posting that entry. I noticed that most of my friends never really say anything to me when I write a depressing entry like that. I asked Eric who he thought this person was and he guessed right.
Well, I want to tell you who he is, but he might read this... and well, I just talked to him, seems he hasn't come to my diary in a long while and I told him not to come... now he really wants to. I told him that I didn't want him to read this because he might treat me different if he reads this and knows it's about him, and I don't want him to know how I feel, that makes me vulnerable, and frankly, he won't give me back that same vulnerablity. Somehow, this ties in all so well together because this is the same reason that gets me sad in the first place. I've opened myself to him in the past and he's never done it back. I was okay with it because we drifted apart and didn't really talk... and then he started talking to me for homework and little things like that. I guess he wanted us to remain friends. So I put my faith in him that he'll open up a little and if not that, it would be cool to be friends with him, but I always feel like he doesn't treat me the same as he does his other friends. He's so much more comfortable with the rest of them, and somehow I was lead to believe that I would be that comfortable with him too... that I was supposed to be one of them. I guess it's my fault for expecting something. The reason I'm not telling him this is because I get the feeling that he'll think I'm crazy, I'm making this stuff up or I'm paranoid, something like that, and then he'll get angry at me for accusing him of something like that, that he treats me differently. So that's why I'm not gonna tell him, but I'm tired of feeling hurt, so I'm not going to. Xanga was my trying to fit in with my friends and although I was myself, it didn't succeed, I'm just not fit to fit in... and well... I guess if he reads this, he'll know it's him... so I will just say it... I'm talking about Jason. I don't mention Jason much and haven't in a long time because he hasn't really been a part of my life in the past.
And I can't believe Eric knew that it was him, so easily. We've known each other only since around April. That tells you how much I easily open up to people and the things I let slip. I always trust people so easily and I'm always looking for someone to open up to... and the thing is, I have ended up regreting it for the most part, because look at what's happened with Nancy, Chris, Mike, and now Jason... and also this other girl that I opened up too, but I don't want to talk about her this time... I'll save that for later. I want to open up to Eric so much and tell him what's on my mind. Eric is the type of person that wouldn't spill out your secrets and Eric's the type that listens, but I don't want to regret telling him something, so I just can't... I even thought about opening up to Susan, but I realized that I can't do that either and this has to do the with the girl I will talk about another time.
Instead, I found comfort in Enrique... I haven't mentioned Enrique in a long time either, but Enrique has always understood me. He always listens and talks back to me and he knows how to keep a secret. He's really the only person I have left that I could talk to about anything. He's one of those people where you know you could turn to him if you ever need a shoulder.
I doubt Jason will read this since he said he wouldn't and Jason is the type of person that keeps a promise, and promises mean a lot to me, and he should know that. If Jason does read this, I don't care, because I warned him... Jason, if you read this, please don't tell me. I don't need to know.