The only reason really that I'm writing in here is because I have class and I'm all done with all of my work and I have nothing to do... and I have another hour in here...
I'm trying hard to get over my dumb obsession over Eric, I don't know how it's going so far to be honest... it doesn't seem like I've changed, but it doesn't seem like I haven't. I'm tired of these damn obsessions to become best friends with somebody, but somehow I can't seem to accept the fact that it's okay not to have a best friend. I guess maybe if I wasn't so talkative, and always looking for someone to talk to, I could understand that, but I am like that and I always seem to want a best friend. Which to me is quite ridiculous if you think about all the failed friendships I've had. Even my mom tells me all the time that I shouldn't have close friends. I wish I could grasp that concept.
On another hand, I know I am still lonely, because I miss Jeff still. I wish I didn't, because I have no right to miss him. I still wish that he hated me, then maybe I wouldn't look at him as someone I could always run back to. I wish things were different, to put it simply... how different, even I don't know.
This is a weird feeling for me, I'm not exactly depressed... I feel sad, yes, but I guess, it's more like dejection. I feel like I've given up, and I'm not sure why... what did I give up on? Did I even try? What does it envolve and who? Why am I giving up? I can't answer any of these questions. I suppose if my feelings made sense, maybe I could. I feel so confused.
Another thing I've thought about is, I always thought that I didn't care what people think about me... and that's only true to a degree... I don't care about what people think about me, but I care about what my friends think of me. That doesn't seem unreasonable, does it? However, the thing is, maybe I care too much about what my friends think about me. I never want to do things that piss them off and when I do, I feel so bad about it. So I always tell my friends, if I do something you don't like, please tell me. That sounds natural enough, right? But it isn't. It doesn't feel like it. Even after I say that, I'm so paranoid that they are talking shit about me behind my back, because I do it with them all the time about a couple of people that I don't particularly like, but when I hear them talking about them back to me, I really start to wonder if they talk about me. I wonder what they say about me. I wonder if they don't like me... I wonder if they are just pretending to be my friend... And that shouldn't scare me, but it does... why? Because this means that my whole existance to them is an annoyance... that I shouldn't have even met them, shouldn't hang out with them, or even talk to them. And if they are talking shit about me, I wish they would just tell me. I would be devastated, but at least I wouldn't be living a lie. But I can't ask them. I just can't. I feel like I've already asked them a million times because I keep telling them that if I annoy them or piss them off, they should tell me. They never say anything... and I always wonder if that's because there's nothing to say, or if there's only bad things to say. And If I ask them... would they even be honest with me? And maybe... I shouldn't put them in that position... If you didn't like me and we were friends... and I asked you, "how do you really feel about me? Be honest." How do you respond? Would you really be honest? How much can you really trust a person?
Oh yeah, I'm thinking that I should stop making templates for good... what is the point anymore? I don't even have enough motivation to do a new template for my own diary... I have absolutely no ideas in my head to even make one for my diary. This template was supposed to be temporary, but I don't know what to change it to... and what's the point anymore? I used to like making templates, but now they're a pain in the butt. I find no enjoyment from it, just a lot of work. Maybe it's because the templates I'm making, doesn't impress me anymore. Maybe it's because I'm too busy having fun with my friends now. I just don't know, but since nobody is even gonna review me anymore, what is the point of even impressing someone? I'm too lazy to impress myself...