Well, I forgot to say this, but I had an AIM virus because I clicked on something from Brandon's away message. In order to get rid of it, I talked to him. I ended up fixing it myself so I was telling him that. One thing led to another and pretty soon I was finding a lot of stuff about his life again.
It turns out that he's got a new girlfriend, been really busy with a job and other things. I'm glad he's moved on. We talked about Nancy and he brought up a good point that maybe I should just talk to her. Perhaps if she was online, I would talk to her now, but what if I woke up the next morning and regretted it? I don't want to talk to Nancy for one big main reason: I don't want to end up hurting the way I did before. But the question is, am I willing to take the risk of being hurt again to see if maybe Nancy's changed enough that I can be friends with her again? Can I live with never knowning? The truth is, I could. I do not really feel regret for what has happened. It was just kind of meant to be... So I don't want to talk to Nancy honestly, but my mind won't let go. When I can, I'm always looking for someone I can ask something about her... I guess, I just want to know her side of it. I want to know what she thought of it and what she has to say. Why didn't see do anything to stop the path that it was going to? Did she care at all? I just want to know all this so I can move on.
I tried to talk about this with Brandon, and although I was mentioned a few times in Brandon and Nancy's conversations, he doesn't remember anything specific. And at first I was happy, that maybe I'd finally learn something, but I didn't learn much at all. Now the real question is: Can I live and move on (and not regret) never knowing how she felt? And the answer to that question, I have absolutely no idea. And that really gets to me. I don't want to regret anything, and this year will be my last year. If I don't say it now, how much of a chance would I have to say it later?
On another hand... I haven't mentioned Chris in a long time and the only reason I'm mentioning him now is because well, Chris is in deep shit this time. He IMed me a couple of days ago to say this:
VirusLIVED: hey anna
VirusLIVED: ..
VirusLIVED: i got arrested for arson... and a fight... and now they are trying to throw me in prison for 3 years...
VirusLIVED: dont tell anyone..
I don't know why he wants to talk to me. It's been so long. I'll never really get used to how he says that he can talk to me or open up to me, even though we haven't been in each other's life for 3 months. I always wonder what he wants from me, but he always says he doesn't want anything. I could never open up to Chris. If I did, I would have to continue to make it work, and since he has a girlfriend, that makes it so much harder... not to mention she hates me, especially when I talk to Chris. I don't want to go through that. I don't want to feel like I have to go through so much for Chris again. I just don't have that kind of time or patience anymore. But I guess, somehow I always knew he would IM me again. I knew it wasn't the end, so why did I think it was? I can already feel some of my old feelings for him return, but at least this time, making them go away wasn't so hard. I just need to do it again, I guess.
Anyway, he told me today that he was in a fucking fight. That doesn't sound that bad except they were using bats. He ended up really beating this guy up, and cops came. They found some fireworks in his car... and it just so happens that there was a car around the area that got blown up by fireworks, so now he's accused of arson. If things don't go too well, he could end up in jail for 3 years... 3 years in some CYA state prison! God, Chris... when are you going to get your fucking act together?!