And when I did this survey thing that I got from Jeff today (yeah, there's a surprise), the last question stated: Are you happy with your life? And it was supposed to be an easy answer, but that's not what happened. At first it was just rambling, and then the rambling turned to anger because of how much I hate the way I am living. My response: No, I am not. There are many things that I wish I could change about the aspects around me to create a better environment and there are many habits that I should change in order to be a better person, but I can't seem to do either. If I could start over a lot of things, I would want to change so much, but I guess, this is part of the learning process. I know I should just suck it up and say I am happy with my life, because I know it could be a lot worse, but all I see around me are things that either could be changed or should be changed. But I have no fucking motivation to do any of it, which pisses me off a lot, but it's my fucking fault, and if I could just get my fucking act together, I could probably do something... Anyway, no, I'm not happy with my life and I will whine about it if I want to.
Notice how at first, it was kind of expressionless, but by the end, I said fuck a lot... I don't know, I just kept getting angrier as I kept typing it out.
What I'm even more baffled by is the fact that what I said is all so true. This whole summer has been a fucking ... "waste" does not even come close to how I feel. I don't even have a good enough word to describe how I feel about this summer. All I fucking know is that I need to make some changes, but I can't even make a promise to myself to do that, because I don't think I keep it, and I don't want to break a promise.
I hate this person that I have become, and it only took one month and a summer vacation to create it. Fuck.