Today, overall was an okay day, an average day, if you will. What made it so sad was because of a dream I had. The thing is, I wanted this dream, and now I wish that I hadn't. Last night, it seemed that all I could think about was how happy I would be if I was with Jeff. As long as we were together... holding each other. And then I had a dream this morning that we were together.
I know I usually talk about the whole dream, like how it started and such, but I won't bore you with it, as I don't even really want to talk about it. We were walking, and he was holding me and he says to me something (in mandarin, which is odd, as his family speaks cantonese, but he can't speak that either) a short phrase, a maxim or adage if you will, which even I didn't understand. However, I knew what he was hinting at. He was asking me, even though we're together now, what then? When I go back, we're not gonna be together... what then? He says, "we're only gonna be hurt again." I think I was too happy in that moment to really pay attention to what he was saying, and I only half comprehended what he was saying so I didn't answer him.
Later I said to him, "let's look for a place to make out" and he would shake his head no. He even said no; he tried to convince me out of it, but I wouldn't listen. I led him to a couch (a very expensive one at that) and I tried to get him into it, but he wasn't. He wouldn't kiss me back at all. He really didn't want to get into it... and then I knew he was upset about something. I got angry, and I threw a pillow (from the couch) at the side out of frustration. Then, I knew why he was upset. So I led him somewhere else. I was looking for a more private place, I think, because people were coming. Well, I ended up in a more public place that before... I reached for his hand, and told him to come closer to me, and then it was weird because he leaned in to try to kiss me. I don't know why, because that's not what I wanted. I leaned back to show him that and then I said, "I want to tell you something."
And then I told him about how much I missed him, how much I loved him and how much I wanted to be with him, and how my-so-called stoic responses to the times he told me that he loved me or missed me, I wasn't stoic at all. I just couldn't tell him how I felt, because it angers me that we both want the same thing, but the distance keeps us apart. We've tried to fight it more than once, but I'm just not as strong as he is.
When I woke up, I was happy that I had a dream about him, and that we were together. My only regret, at first, was that I couldn't stay in that dream longer (or forever...), and then I thought about what he said, about the pain... because lately, all I can seem to think about is when I'll be able to be with him. I've only thought about those moments where I could be with him, and I haven't really focused on what about after that... and now I'm really upset. Just because I'll be with him in person for what, a week? ...it doesn't mean nothing. I'll still have to come back and end up far away from him again anyway. It's not just land, there's an ocean separating us. How could it ever work out? I'm just not compatible with that. I think that's what it meant when Jeff didn't want to kiss me in the dream. I was so blind and I needed a wake up call. This really depressed me for the rest of the day. I thought maybe I'd only have to wait a year, and after 3 years (almost 4), it doesn't seem that bad, but even after this year, I'm going to have to wait another... I can't keep waiting...
It was kind of odd because during my SAT class today, I kept imagining that he was outside waiting for me, and it's not like a daydream where you make up things kind of imagination... it was like it was real, like he really was outside, and I ended up having to remind myself that he's not there.
I hate this situation... and ironically, he's not even my boyfriend... just a guy that feels exactly the same way about me, as I do him.
Should I tell him how I feel? ...how I really feel... about all this? And what would happen if I did tell him? Would anything change? Would it be a change for the better? Should I let him know? I wish I knew the answers. I love him so much, but I don't want to hurt him, nor do I want to be hurt again.
Someone called me today, a guy. It sucks because I have no idea who it is. I don't think it's Alex, he doesn't call that early. I thought it might've been Jason, because he said he was gonna come over today to pick up money for gym membership, which didn't happen, by the way. Of course, I thought it might've been Jeff and that he saw my dream too, but that's just wishful thinking, because that would be really farfetched. Plus, he never calls me at 10am in the morning. My mom said that he was gonna call me back, but he never did. Thanks for leaving me hanging. *Sigh*