I'm sorry about the last entry. I was just feeling really frustrated yesterday. I didn't mean to make everyone panic. I was just at a really depressed second, you know how it is. I've truly no means of commiting suicide.

Today was another depressing day, but I guess it's better than yesterday. I don't think I could truly be happy again until after the SATs are over. I'm just way too stressed out and there's not much I can do about it...

I wouldn't even know who to talk to anyway... I think I've mentioned this yesterday too.

I've stopped liking Andrew because I've come to realize that he's a freshman... I know how they act. I guess I liked that he was so young, because he reminded me of myself. I want to be free like that. I love that he's never stressed. He doesn't really seem to take anything seriously... and I want that for myself. I want that kind of outlook on life.

I didn't see Andrew for about 5 days so after that I got over him. After I stop seeing the guys I like, my feelings start to go away. Eric teases me about this, he thinks that I'm horrible because I change my feelings so much... I guess I can't help it.

My mom went back to China and she won't be coming back until mid-November. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm expecting her to call me any day now and I know I'll get in trouble because I haven't studied. That's depressing.

I kind of miss liking Andrew... because liking him meant that I had something to look forward to... now, I don't have anything to look forward to... Going to school is just depressing and boring... it's routine and so bland. I just wish that something so unexpected happened so that I could look forward to something... but it's not going to happen.

I wish that sometimes I didn't miss Jeff so much. I still constantly think about him... and it seems like I can tie him into anything I am talking about. Sometimes, I don't mean to, but I can't control my feelings very well. I know I can't be with him, but why do I dream it so? As if my suffering wasn't bad enough, but I have to bring this into the picture. Every day, I wonder what it would be like to be with him and I just can't let it go. I still think about him at night before I go to sleep and I still wish that I had dreams about him. I just wish that I wasn't so goddamn lonely all the time. And I wish that I didn't always think that the world is against me... because it's not. Everything that happened, it was all because of my stupidity, the unraveling of my own errors. I let this all happen because I stood back and watched the chaos happen... or I stepped in and made it worse. I just wish that I could get that through my thick head.

Today was refreshing in Mrs. Royer's class. I think I've told you but I forgot... I'm a TA for Mrs. Royer. Today, we had a lab, and I got to help out. It was a titration lab, one of my favorites. I really enjoyed helping. Nancy's in that class... and for some ending of the class, I helped her and her partner, Vivian. Vivian seems to have had no idea what she was doing... It felt really natural around Nancy; I was myself. I know I have seemed to have been carrying around this negativity. I wonder if it was because I was feeling awkward. Was I really angry at her? It felt normal and natural to be around her... I wonder what this could mean...

That's all for now...