I don't know if it's just my parents... or if it's other people... or anyone else... but I keep getting the feeling that I can't add up to certain people. Most people should know that I'm known to be competitive. This is my first time saying this... but I've felt this way for a long time. I just my not seem like it... it's really hard for me to say it, but I will. I think I need to get this out. Believe it or not... I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. Sometimes, I feel like I don't add up to anything, and sometimes I feel like maybe I'm underestimating what is or what could be, but mostly, I think that I could be so much better, but something keeps me from it. The worst part is my mom keeps saying that Nancy acts this certain way, like she knows a lot more than I do - and I think that's true. She does in some things. Unbelievably (if that's the words you'd want to use), I feel that she is smarter than me, and I always hear my mom talking, and sometimes I think that I don't think I could ever add up to what Nancy is, because she's just... way up and beyond. It's weird, but I feel like I can't do anything exactly right or perfect. I'm not sure if that's just my lack of self confidence or if it's true. At times I feel like my head's going to explode. I'm not even sure that I have a right to feel like I do... Wait... I have a right to feel whatever I do. I think the right word is reason, not right. I don't know... I feel so lost... but in a different sense, this time I know who I am... I just don't know how to help myself. I mean, I just can't see myself going off to college. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I can't help it... I feel like I'm going nowhere, and it's not getting better. I don't want to be left here by myself just because I didn't know what to do. I think that's like my biggest fear now. I think... I'd rather let a roach crawl on me then get left behind, not knowing what to do, and if you know me, I'm deadly scared of roaches... I scream at the sight of them. That's just how scared I am. It's just that I don't know what to do... and I don't know how to ask for help. I am so lost... sometimes I wish I had an older brother. I know that's kinda weird, but I just don't feel that I can make it out on my own, like I need someone older than me to help me out... I wish I could turn to my parents, but they don't know anything abuot that either. I feel like I'm getting nowhere and it scares me to death... God, if I had a choice... I feel so hopeless... I wish I knew what to do.

I am in *staRfucKeRs, inc*