Hi all. It feels like forever since I last wrote in here. In fact, it feels kind of weird to write right now. I forget if I ever mentioned it or not, but my mom went back to China... but she will be returning this Thursday (bummer) and I think also with my grandma. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, but I'm not looking forward to the return of my mom. Last week was kind of crazy. Our school got a four-day weekend because of Veteran's day... and I really did take it to my advantage. I won't get into a huge detail about it but I did see The Incredibles, which was a really good movie, and I also went to Six Flags for Key Club. Some other stuff were also fun, but those were the highlights.

I've been okay for the last week or so... but for the most part, I've been really depressed. I've been worried about colleges lately on top of SATs. I have been contemplating (or trying to) the relationship between Nancy and I and I haven't gotten much of anywhere. I really would like to talk to Eric about this but everytime I try, we never fully conver the whole thing and I always want to say more, but don't get to.

Another thing is that I told Eric that I had feelings for him last Monday. He kept hugging me and saying that he didn't want to lose me as a friend. I listened to what he had to say and it scared me a lot. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship that Eric described. I still haven't gotten a straight answer from him. It angered me though that at one point during the week he thought that my feelings for him were gone, just like that. If that really happened, I would've told him it was gone and plus if my feelings were that fickle, I don't think I would've told him how I felt about him in the first place. I don't just tell everyone I like them... I don't know... Anyway, I told him I needed an answer, but I haven't really gotten one. I think he knows what he wants to say to me, but we haven't really had the chance to be alone and talk. I don't think he takes me too seriously, or he just forgets... I think it's the latter, but how can you forget something like that? I feel like giving up on him because it doesn't seem like he's going to give me an answer... but on the other hand, I want to hold on and keep fighting. I just don't know... there's so much going on in my life right now. I can't wait for this month to be over... then I'm going crazy and going to party everywhere... well... probably not but yeah.

I got a computer in my room now. It goes online... but there's no microsoft word. What the fuck is that? That really pissed me off. I'm going to try to install microsoft office XP later. I don't know if I have the space for it though, that's the only thing. It's great that I can go online again in my own room, but I wonder what the point of it all is anyway... once mom comes home this Thursday, I won't be able to go online.

I was happy to see that I wasn't as dependent on diaryland as much as I thought I was. The near month that I was away, I didn't have that much of an urge to write in here.

Oh... another thing that really depresses me is that I will be 18 in less than 4 months. I am just not ready to grow up. I want to stay in high school forever. Who would've thought that life could go by like this so fast. I am often too caught up in the past and I cannot focus on the future, mostly because I don't want to. To say that I have a future would mean that the past is only the past and that I have to go on... and it's not fair that I have to go on...

I'll try to update again before Thursday, when my mom comes home... I'm not sure how I will be updating after that though.

By the way, this new layout is Melinda, Eric and I... you can read more about it at the previous layouts page.

Have a taco day!