I'll start off with some good news. I forgot if I told you but I got a new computer about 2 weeks ago. It was a 2000NT 80GB of space. I liked it because it was mine and I could go online, but for some reason the sound wouldn't work. I had tried to upgrade my computer to XP earlier but somehow the CD key wouldn't work. Last night I finally fixed it, and now I have a really awesome XP computer and the sound works. I have already downloaded 100+ songs in 2 days. It's because I'm online the whole day. I haven't really gotten off except to sleep and eat and that kinda deal. It's kinda sad that my life revolves around a damn computer, but I don't want to study, although I should.
I'm also depressed because my mom is being a total bitch. She's always yelling at everything. All those times of silence in the past some months have totally gone away. When she yelled at me some moments ago, I had to tell myself that I can't cut myself. I haven't felt like that in almost over 3 years, back when I had problems with her because of Chris. I just hated her then with a passion... but it doesn't matter, no matter what I do, there's still a heart in me left that sympathizes, that gives compassion and lets her get to me. She thinks I'm a fucking log (some Chinese proverb) that doesn't move, talk, or feel... how wrong she is... and if only that was true. I'm just tired of her. I'm tired of her fucking lectures and her yelling. She makes this whole goddamn family unhappy. I wish that she would work... or that I did... damn I really want to get out of this house. I wish I could explain how frustrating it is to be at home... 73 more days till I'm 18... but I guess it doesn't matter because I'm still going to be living here... I can't wait till I'm off to college... no matter what she says, there is no fucking way I'm going to live at home for college. I can't stand her... I was actually thinking about sleeping over at Eric's house if he does get one when he moves out... but I have the feeling he'll have a roommate. I don't know... I'm just dreaming away because I hate my situation now... it's a regular Cinderella story.
On another note, with Eric's encouragement, I finally talked to Nancy. We talked more than once and I got out some of the things that I've wanted to say to her since who knows how long... I thought that I was angry at her, but I'm not. I guess she was just an excuse. I really want to hang out with her, just us two one of these days before we graduate. I don't know if I will see her after high school is over, but I don't want it to end between us like it did last time. I'm going to end high school with no regrets and I'm so glad that Eric was able to change my mind. I had been wanting to talk to Nancy for the longest time... and in the summer, I thought about it so much... So many times, I wanted to talk to her, but I backed out at the last minute. So many times, I opened up that IM box, typed out a message only to click on the x on the right-top hand corner. I'm really thankful that I was given this chance to talk to her again. I hope she feels the same way. I guess in the back of my head, I'm still scared that something bad will happen... my fears have not been let to rest. I guess I just wish that things would go back to the way they were. Does she ever think about that too? Does she want it? I guess there are so many questions that I could ask her... I really hope that things will be okay between us.
I saved the topic of Eric for last because he's a touchy subject. I know I should care about the fact that we're not together, but I don't. Is that a bad thing? I really don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter, because we act like we're together... sometimes more than actual couples I think. I've been wondering if this is healthy... I've been thinking about the future. This can really either go one of two ways... we'll want to eventually be together, or we're gonna go back to being friends. Naturally, neither one of us can stay in this situation forever. I mean, you don't think we'll marry do you? I mean, I guess maybe I'd like to say maybe, but realistically, no. I just wonder how this will end... and how well it will end. I wonder about who will be hurt more, Eric or me. I mean, I've known him well as a friend, but he's never really been in a serious relationship. There's only one thing I know for sure and that's that I'm already in way too deep. I think that I'm in way over my head. I'm not with him but it's only a matter of time before I fall in love with him. Who's to say that I'm not already in love with him... because I really don't know right now. I think about him too much. I think about holding him, or kissing him, or even just touching him. I have to wait another 8 days before I can really be with him though. That doesn't seem that long, but it sounds so long. I miss him so much already.
I've been thinking that maybe it doesn't matter that I'm not with him because it feels right. It feels really good. I wonder about what it would be like if I were with him and then I'm scared that my mentality will be different. I mean, right now, because we're not labeled together we don't hold each other at school or when our other friends are around... I guess we don't do that because that's what people do when they're together. I know that if I got with him, then there would be those expectations and if they were not met... well, things would go sour on my part... and that would be bad. Because we're not together right now, I have to be okay with the fact that he's not always holding me. I guess I have to talk to him about this... if he's thought about this (he probably has), and what he thinks about that. We both want more, but we're both so scared.
If I told him I was thinking about all these things, he would tell me to stop. He knows as well as I do, that thinking always seems to make things worse. I want to be happy with the way things are, and I guess I am, but I know neither of us can't deny that we both want more. I guess we can both blame it on the fact that Eric would make a bad boyfriend because he would have a totally fucked up mentality, and I mean, I guess we both do blame it on that, but I think there's other fears involved, and we're only using Eric's fucking up as an excuse. We can't help it, I guess, because we're both human. Deep down, this friendship just matters so much to us... but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it's worth the risk.
Anyway, as you can see, despite the so called break from school, my brain has not had much of a break. I've been thinking a lot about this... the thoughts don't end. It doesn't matter... I love Eric.