I found out that Nancy has been reading every one of my entries since I've recently talked to her. I told her to stop. I hope she respects my wishes. I'm just not comfortable with her reading my diary at this point. I'm not ready to open up all the parts of myself, like the way things used to be. If I opened up myself and she knew all this about me, I would feel vulnerable. I can't give a part of myself away like that unless she gives it back.

I didn't elaborate on what happened Saturday, but I guess the only one thing that really mattered was that Eric and I went to the palms after the play. We held each other most of the time and didn't say much. I guess we didn't need to say anything. We understood. I love the little "mmm" noises he makes. He kept talking about how he doesn't mean to make it but it always comes out. I think it's cute. It makes me smile. Eric really makes me happy... maybe that's all that matters.

I gave him a hickey on his shoulder. That was really weird because I only did it for a really short time. I saw the mark and it looked pretty bad (it doesn't hurt though)... But what would I know? He's the first person I've given a hickey to. It was weird though because when I was kissing his shoulder, I didn't realize what I was doing until a lot after I started.

When I thought about it the next day, I remembered how this one time at the movies about 2 years ago, Chris asked me to give him a hickey. I kind of tried... like I tried to kiss him and stuff, but it felt so weird and I was so self-conscious and I had no idea how to do it. I think I kissed his neck once or twice before I looked up and said that it was weird and I didn't know how to do it. He told me that there's no right way and I should just go for it... still, I couldn't do it. It wasn't that I didn't know how... I guess that was part of it, but it was mostly because it didn't feel right. It felt awkward.

Yet, with Eric, it was so instinctive. I didn't know I was doing it until I was. I guess maybe I'm no good under pressure. With the right person, it just happens so naturally. It's beautiful. Hahaha. That makes me laugh... because it's not beautiful... it looks disgusting, like cancer.