I was looking forward to giving Eric a ride home today after school but then when I saw him he said that Melinda (this other Melinda) was giving him a ride home. I wasn't bothered during the time of, but when I got home and started thinking about it, I began to get really annoyed. I would question myself too, like "am I really annoyed? or am I just thinking about this too much?" It was just a bunch of questions about whether I was annoyed or not and in the end, I came up with nothing. I really didn't know. I didn't want to lie to myself, say it didn't bother me when it did, but I'm not sure that it did. I guess thinking about it so much is a sign that it bothers me... but I don't know, sometimes I overthink things like this and I don't know how to stop.

But then, a couple of minutes ago, I rethought my question: am I annoyed because I didn't give Eric a ride home? And then I realized how fucking stupid I sounded. It's just a fucking ride. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I jealous that I didn't give someone a ride home? I guess it's because it's Eric.

I think because I overanalyze everything, I take things that would bother people and ask myself if it bothers me and in the process, I turn everything that bothers other people into something that bothers me even if it wouldn't have in the first place if I never thought about it. Like for instance, if some girl was poking Eric, semi-flirting with him, I would ask myself if that bothers me and I would answer no, but then I would ask myself, are you really sure? And then I begin to doubt myself. The truth is that it really doesn't bug me, but all these question and doubting in my head, making me rethink what I already know... I get confused and then I don't know how I feel. I'm caught between what I really feel and how I should be feeling and I wish I knew how to put a stop to that because it really bugs me... I think it kills my relationships.

I'm just no good when I'm by myself. I'm happier when I'm with other people. I think if I was stuck with myself forever, I would drive myself insane and perhaps kill myself. I can really imagine that happening.

darkangelz5: I think I'm depressed
darkangelz5: but I will be ok tomorrow
lob0tomy: why?
darkangelz5: I don't know
darkangelz5: I'm just like this
darkangelz5: trying to supress it
darkangelz5: FUCK
darkangelz5: haha
lob0tomy: why are you depressed though?
darkangelz5: damnit
lob0tomy: man
darkangelz5: I don't know
darkangelz5: this is normal for me
lob0tomy: you're making me depressed
lob0tomy: lol
darkangelz5: sorry
lob0tomy: it's okay
lob0tomy: haha
darkangelz5: I don't know
darkangelz5: I'm just like this sometimes
darkangelz5: I get depressed for no reason

It makes me happy that he says he was depressed when I said that I was because that means that he feels the same way I do. When he's depressed, I get depressed and vice versa. I affect him a lot; I affect him like he does me. Maybe that makes me a sadist to say something like that, but I cannot help how I feel. A lot of the things that Eric says and does... I think it's kind of cute. He's such a dork. And sometimes he really surprises me.

darkangelz5 (12:37:37 AM): ok I feel a little better
darkangelz5 (12:37:42 AM): or I supressed it really well
lob0tomy (12:37:49 AM): haha
lob0tomy (12:37:50 AM): man
darkangelz5 (12:37:51 AM): or it could be the happy music
lob0tomy (12:37:58 AM): ah
lob0tomy (12:38:05 AM): I haven't had music since I came online
lob0tomy (12:38:06 AM): bah
darkangelz5 (12:38:12 AM): haha dork
darkangelz5 (12:38:21 AM): I think I should sleep before I get sad again though
lob0tomy (12:38:32 AM): hahaha
lob0tomy (12:38:33 AM): ok
lob0tomy (12:38:36 AM): I miss you..
lob0tomy (12:38:37 AM): gah
lob0tomy (12:38:39 AM): good night
lob0tomy (12:38:41 AM): bye

I love how he tells me something like he misses me even though we weren't talking abuot anything serious or even remotely romantic. It makes me smile. I guess, whenever I think about the cute things or the sweet things that Eric does, it makes me happy; it makes me smile and I don't feel so miserable. For a second there, I forget to think about everything negative... I forget the questions that were nagging me and I really am happy for that second. I guess I wish I thought abuot those moments more because that would make me so much happier.