It turns out that Eric won't need rides from me because Melinda's mom is going to be giving him rides in exchange that Eric tutors Melinda at math. I don't really care who Eric tutors, it just really bugged me that I wouldn't give him rides anymore and I realized why. After school is the only time I ever really get to talk to Eric and without seeing him for those few minutes at the end of the day, I feel like I'm completely falling apart. Oh and Melinda likes Eric... but I really don't care. I'm surprised myself that i'm not glowing with jealousy. I'm just angry that I don't get to spend time with him.
Another thing that happened is that I missed a deadline for one of my college application. I was supposed to send this personal information (part 1) in December for Duke, but I didn't realize this until a couple of days ago. That was the only private school I was really interested in and seemed like I had a chance... so much for that. I guess it doesn't matter because even if I had made it, would I have the courage to go there? I don't know which schools out of the 3 left I'm going to apply to now because I've been wondering what the point is. Would I leave California? Do I have the money to attend a private school? I don't know why I'm bothering to apply to U Penn either; my grades would never be good enough. That leaves Northwestern and Pepperdine. I looked at all the essays I had to write for Northwestern and now I'm not sure that I want to do that either. I just don't know anymore.
Another thing that happened was that somebody stole my lunch box in it that had half of my food (sushi). Even though I was kinda starving, I don't even care about the food, I need that lunch box. I think my mom will be angry at me tomorrow when she finds out that it got stolen. God, I'm so fucking pissed at that. Even writing this out... thinking about everything that's happened this week so far, it makes me want to cry.
When I drove my piano teacher home today, I thought I was gonna get into an accident like 5 times. My mind was obviously elsewhere. I stopped by Eric's house to see if he was home because I really wanted to see him because I'm just feeling like crap right now, but he wasn't home. Then I came home and my dad took me to take these pictures for our passports or something... I don't know. We came home a few minutes ago but I think he's gonna go make me pick up the pictures. I don't want to go... I really just want to get under the covers and hide.
I got the flute today and I guess I should be happy about that, but I'm too depressed to even play a fucking note right now. That's really depressing. I don't know, everything is going wrong... I hate this fucking week.
Oh and my mom also brought up that I should get a job. Yeah, I should... everyone has one nowadays...
Another thing is that I don't care about my calculus grade anymore. I wanted to get an A so badly at first, but now I don't give a fuck. I'm not motivated anymore. I don't care for my calculus grade anymore. I don't know why I bother, and I'm not sure it's senioritis, it's just that I don't care.
It seems like these days that I care about all the wrong things. It doesn't matter... I'm just fucking depressed. I'm not okay.